At exactly 9 o’clock on Sunday morning, students received a Vassar Alert via email, text and carrier pigeon, alerting them that Snow Event parking restrictions had been lifted, and that they were thereby free to resume parking as usual. With little to no snow expected in Poughkeepsie in the coming weeks, it seems likely that we have seen the final Snow Event parking restrictions of the 2024/25 school year. Students have unanimously been lamenting this fact, as they try to come to terms with the end of the rip-roaring fun of Snow Event parking restrictions.
Although no snow is on the horizon, there’s no reason that we should let the fun of parking restrictions end with winter. Here are five brilliant ideas for new parking restrictions that will keep the good times rolling even as the last snow melts.
1. Rain Event Parking Restrictions
Okay, this one is kind of a rip-off, but that doesn’t mean it’s invalid. Think about it—what makes snow fun? That’s right—the Snow Event parking restrictions. Rain could be just as fun, if only there were similar parking restrictions associated with it. Sure, the practical reasons for the Snow Event parking restrictions don’t apply here, but we could all just pretend for fun. I think it’s worth trying.
2. Groundhog Day Event Parking Restrictions
Have you seen the movie “Groundhog Day?” You know how they get the groundhog to predict if there’s going to be six more weeks of winter? I think we should do the same thing but for parking. Find a groundhog, hoist it in the air, and if it sees its shadow, nobody is allowed to park in the North Lot for six weeks. If it doesn’t? All bets are off and anyone can park anywhere until the next Parking Groundhog Day in six weeks.
3. Independence Day Event Parking Restrictions
While we’re talking about movies called “Something Day,” what about the 1996 science fiction film “Independence Day?” I haven’t seen it, but a summary I found online leads me to believe that it depicts a massive alien invasion of the Earth. That sounds like the kind of thing we should have parking restrictions for, if you ask me. Maybe something like “Iin the case of an Independence Day Event, anybody can park in Admissions spaces, because we’re all going to die anyway.” Frankly, it seems irresponsible that there’s not a plan in place for this already.
4. Thursday Event Parking Restrictions
Everyone loves an event named after a day of the week—think Tasty Tuesday, the Sunday Scaries, or this thing I just came up with called Wibble Wobble Wednesday. Why not spread the love and apply this foolproof formula to parking restrictions? How about: “In the case of a Thursday Event, all cars with license plates that end in an even number can only park by the Farm and Ecological Preserve, unless it’s the last Thursday of a month that ends in ‘y,’ in which case we don’t care.” I think this would spice up boring old Thursdays and give everyone a nice, regularly scheduled taste of parking regulation fun. Let’s make it happen!
5. Manatee Event Parking Restrictions
I think we can all agree that manatees are extraordinary creatures, and that if one were ever to visit campus, it should be allowed to park in any space it wants. To make sure everyone is aware of their responsibilities in case of such a Manatee Event, it is imperative that appropriate Manatee Event parking restrictions are drawn up and publicized as soon as possible. Maybe something like this: “In the case of a Manatee Event, all students must move their cars off campus or, at the very least, wait in the car in case the manatee decides it wants the parking spot that car is occupying.” Encoding these restrictions into the parking rulebook as soon as possible is the only way to ensure that these noble animals receive the respect they deserve if and when they park on Vassar’s campus.