Aries
Midterm panic is setting in, I know. Luckily, the stars have made me privy to some excellent study spots and hacks for the week ahead. Not for you though, Aries, you guys are totally screwed. Maybe just look at some transfer applications? Clown college?
Taurus
If you want to slam out those last couple papers, all you’ve gots to do is scramble on up to the top of the tallest tree you can find. There, you’ll be able to work in peace and get writing tips from an owl, just like in “Winnie the Pooh”!
Gemini
To lock in this week, try studying in the walk-in fridge in the Deece! The cold will keep you from falling asleep while you try to memorize the names of every woman for your WFQS class.
Cancer
Your best bet this week is going to be studying underneath the library. I don’t mean the basement though, friend, that’s hardly isolated enough to get some real work done. You’re going to need to strap on your headlamp and tunnel underneath the library if you want that 4.0. Study with the womp womps!
Leo
If you want to pass your econ midterm, take drastic action this week! The stars are showing me a beautiful vision of you studying at the next Board of Trustees meeting. What better place to learn how to swindle people and use money for silly things!
Virgo
There’s just no way you’re going to pass that anthropology midterm without doing some real fieldwork. Break into the Bradleys’ house and hide under their bed, you can write an ethnography! I heard a rumor that John watches “2001: A Space Odyssey” every night before bed.
Libra
Public humiliation is going to be the best motivator for Libras this week. Go to the Deece barefoot, sit at the center table and put your feet up. You’re not allowed to leave or cover the dogs until your paper is done.
Scorpio
You honestly might be a little too panicked for your midterms. Might I suggest putting yourself on the dish belt in the Deece and going through the wash process? I bet it’s something like a relaxing sauna.
Sagittarius
You should just hold your pee while you study and use urination as a reward! According to the stars though, this only works if you get your friends involved to keep you accountable. If you’re about to break, they should call you a stupid piss boy. And when you finally get to pee, they can all cheer!
Capricorn
Oh Capricorn, you’re gonna do just wonderfully on your midterms. That is…if you can avoid…any incidents. Maybe just lock yourself in your room. You wouldn’t want to risk someone giving you a…wet willie while you try to study. That would throw you off for months.
Aquarius
The best place for any Aquarius to prepare for midterms this week is the Nircle. Slide around on the ice, and everytime you fall down, start over quizzing yourself. You’ll probably be ready for your exams before 100% of your body is bruised! Note: The Misc is not liable for any personal injuries, take advice at your own risk.
Pisces
The stars are telling me that you’re only going to pass your Intro to Racket Sports class if you hit balls off the side of Chicago Hall until one of the stupid windows breaks. That’s a stupid building—you’d be doing everyone a favor. Stupid windows.