Good evening! My name is Miss Likki, but tonight, you may call me Chef Likki. I’m a professional taste connoisseur. I’ve dined in cities all across the globe. I’ve even had sex a couple of times. You can say I’m a master in the art of flavor and high speed experiences.
But alas, Poughkeepsie is no Flavortown. I have struggled with adjusting my high-status palate to the foods found on this campus. Can I still call myself a connoisseur if my typical Tuesday lunch consists of a “protein power wrap?” What the hell even is that?! This is why I have compiled this foolproof recipe on how to have the most wonderful, vivacious and absolutely romantic dining experience in the most picturesque place we all know: Gordon Commons.
PREP TIME: 20 minutes
COOKING TIME: 35 minutes
YOU WILL NEED:
- Food of some sort (it doesn’t matter whether it’s a lovely steak in chimichurri sauce or a delectable bowl of Lucky Charms—this recipe will make any food seem amazing)
- Another person (preferably someone who is okay with you and your presence. Please do not use your 11th grade history teacher in hopes that you can finally sway her into liking you—I have tried this before with disastrous results)
- One of those weird quadrangle tables on the left side of the Deece, all the way in the corner
- An elegant table setting
- A large boombox
- Two red taper candles and two candlesticks (THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT! Without these items, this entire recipe will FALL APART. Do not forget the candles.)
DIRECTIONS:
- Enter the Deece. Bask in your surroundings. Breathe in that air. Squeak your little shoes onto that shiny, shiny concrete floor. Squeak, squeak.
- Locate the perfect quadrangle. You need to find a table with the biggest amount of angles possible. Something that would make Picasso proud. Something that will seriously test your relationship with the person you have brought with you. If you can find a table that’s within five feet of a huge blast of steam at Your Kitchen, YOU ARE TOO CLOSE TO OTHER PEOPLE. The beauty of this recipe hinges on the concept of creating an intimate dining experience in one of the most crowded and congested places at Vassar. You MUST try to isolate yourself from other diners in order to perfect this dish.
- Set the table. Put a gorgeous gingham tablecloth on that quadrangle table and fuss with it for 10 minutes as you try to figure out how you can possibly fit a rectangular tablecloth on a Deece table. Then put your utensils, plates and boombox on the table too. Don’t forget the dessert fork!
- Set up the candles. Again, A VERY IMPORTANT STEP. Make sure that the candles are equidistant between you and your dining partner. If your partner’s interest in your shared dining experience is starting to wane, make sure to wag a candle in their face and exclaim, “Aren’t these some fine candles we have here tonight?” Then, take a bite of the candle. Yes. You heard me. Bite that candle. Say “EXQUISITE!” before placing the candle back on the candlestick and lighting them up. Due to fire safety guidelines, you will have to blow out and relight the candles every two minutes in order to not set off the smoke alarms. But don’t worry—you can turn this into a flirty game of “Blow out the Candle” between you and your partner. Who can blow it out the fastest? Let’s find out together.
- Play some music on the boombox. Mood music sets the tone for the entire night, so it’s important to find the right songs. Some of my tried and true favorites include “Baptism” by Crystal Castles, “Megan Fox” by FACE and ENIQUE and “Naatu Naatu” from the “RRR” soundtrack. Any one of these songs will create the most dreamy atmosphere with your dining partner. You can even start dancing softly if you’re so inclined.
- Get food. As I stated earlier, it doesn’t really matter what type of food you pick up from one of the Deece’s many stations, as long as the other steps are followed to a tee. But if you truly need a romantic food to boost morale, I find that a bowl of cottage cheese usually does the trick. If your palate is like mine and is searching for something to spice up that cottage cheese, simply pour some ketchup on top.
- Eat that food. To create the most intimate dining experience, you need to know your food intimately, which means it doesn’t matter if you get a little messy or even a lot messy. Perhaps even eat that cottage cheese with your hands. Who cares? In this world, it’s just you and your dining partner, who, by this point, has seen enough that your eating methods are the least of their concerns.
- Shake hands with your partner and compliment the color of their eyes. Watch wistfully as they leave Gordon Commons.
- Clean up your table and pack everything up. Maybe you can leave one candlestick behind as a memento of the memories you’ve freshly made. Put that boombox on your shoulder and walk out with your head held high. You’ve just accomplished a romantic dining experience in the Deece!