Aries
Tread lightly my friend. The stars have indicated that the start of spring at Vassar is bringing you nothing but danger. This week, don’t approach any hammocks. Honestly, you can’t really avoid it, you’re going to trip over a hammock and hit your head on a tree and be humiliated. Sorry about that.
Taurus
Oh bother, it seems that you’re destined to leave a red sock in with all your whites this week! If I were you, I would burn all of my red socks in the middle of the quad immediately. Maybe you’ll even attract some followers, start an anti-red sock cult. Surely the VSA will approve that pre-org.
Gemini
You’re gonna have a big fallout with some friends this week. They’re going to make housing plans without you. Bummer, but you can’t really blame them. Your insistence that you should all live together in the tunnels under the quad was weird.
Cancer
Did you ever think about how you could literally just go outside and collect a bunch of sticks and craft a wilderness shelter and live there and become the cool mysterious campus hermit? No? Think about it.
Leo
Keep your eyes peeled for critters this week. One of them is seeking you out to teach you a secret handshake. You deserve cool new critter friends. Perhaps a pine marten.
Virgo
You really need to quit watching all those Instagram Reels about balancing your hormones and stuff. I know those women seem really happy but raw milk is not going to solve all your vagina problems. You’re acting like a Republican… ewww.
Libra
This should be a pretty banger week, someone is going to let you try their breast milk! Report back to us on how it is. I’ve always imagined it to be like vanilla-flavored drinkable yogurt…
Scorpio
Seems like this is finally the big week…you’re gonna lose your V-Card! You probably think I’m making a joke about your Vassar ID card. Nope! I really do mean your virginity. Hope you get your world rocked! (The stars say not to count on that though).
Sagittarius
I checked with the stars, and they just gave me a really good feeling about you and hummus this week. That could be a fun way to get a cool nickname. Like “The Chickpea Casanova”…Maybe workshop that.
Capricorn
Get crafty this week! I’m talking sequins, I’m talking glitter, I’m talking macaroni. What should you craft on? Well, I’ve heard President Bradley is looking for someone to spruce up her croquet mallets.
Aquarius
You should try your best to pet a ton of dogs this week. Maybe stand in the middle of the quad with a lasso and catch anyone who’s walking a dog. A fishing rod would work too. Hopefully you have good aim.
Pisces
Oh no! There’s a little guy living in your walls. It seems like he’s friendly though! Maybe a small animal of sorts. Just be friendly, I’ve heard he’s a real sock thief. Maybe you could help out your favorite Taurus, leave out all their red ones.