Dearest readers, I come to you today with a rather shocking piece of super hot goss from the desk of none other than the one, the only, President Elizabeth Bradley. This lascivious tale was shared with me by my long term, ultra-confidential, ultra-close to PB source, an anonymous operative known only as Brohn Jadley. What I have to share may distress you, but I implore that you read on with an open mind.
With all of the recent hubbub regarding higher education in this country, it’s no surprise that President Bradley is starting to succumb to the weight of the responsibility on her shoulders. By combing through countless secret email records and having countless secret meetings with my secret source, I have discovered her secret plan for helping Vassar College through these troubling times. President Bradley is on the verge of handing control of the College over to none other than the Costco Guys and the Rizzler.
“It can’t be! They don’t have any higher education administration experience at all!” you may be thinking. I, however, alongside many close to Bradley’s plan, am singing a different tune. Maybe this is the exact kind of shakeup that we need! If there’s not going to be an educator running education in this country, perhaps a new kind of opponent is what we need. Who better to take on former WWE CEO and new Secretary of Education, Linda McMahon, than Big Boom AJ himself! Someone who truly possesses the mind and spirit of a wrestler is exactly who we should want steering this ship. I have to admit, some of the plans they have laid out for their inevitable takeover seem pretty good to me. As a serious journalist, it’s important to me that you get all the facts. Though I am putting myself at great personal risk by doing so, I’ll share these plans with you all right now.
First, and most obviously, construction on the new admissions center or whatever will immediately cease, and the work will pivot to build a much more critical structure on campus. That’s right, Costco is coming to our very own backyard! Goodbye to wasting money, hello to investing campus resources towards what we all need: a one-stop shop for all the people of Poughkeepsie’s needs from birth to death. This store will be fully outfitted not just with the Costco classics (diapers, coffins, rotisserie chickens, saunas), a full food court with all the new administrations favorites (chicken bakes, double chunk chocolate cookies), but also some exclusive merchandise designed to appeal especially to Vassar students (50 pound bags of nutritional yeast, pocket guides to casually bringing up that you studied abroad in Madrid).
Secondly, a project that Big Justice seems particularly excited about: All sports teams at Vassar will immediately be disbanded and replaced with one mega banana ball team. Honestly, dear readers, he just really likes the Savannah Bananas. I think the Rizzler is throwing him a bone here.
Finally, you may be wondering where the Rizzler will fit in. I mean, what could a child his age possibly do to create real change on a college campus? Well, I think his is the most exciting proposition of all. To finally help everyone on this horrifically awkward campus start going on dates instead of pining on Fizz, he’ll be founding his own multi-disciplinary department, “Rizzing Studies.” This first-of-its-kind program will draw upon feminist anthropology, Russian literature, organic chemistry and bowling to help Vassar students couple up. I personally am most excited about this move, hopefully everyone can stop describing their… physical reactions to seeing their campus crush on Fizz and actually do something about it. Really, it’s getting graphic. That’s no kind of environment to raise a Rizzler in.
I know that this change will certainly be unsettling. I mean, there are a million more small things that I didn’t have time to mention here that we’re all going to have to adjust to. Still, I think that in time we will all become accustomed to life under the new dome that they’re installing to recreate the weather in Boca Raton, and soon the mandatory use of an exaggerated Jersey Shore accent will become second nature. I hope that everyone will give this new leadership a chance. I know it won’t be for everyone, but this might be the most dramatic shake-up President Bradley has ever brought to Vassar, topped only by the Fearlessly Consequential campaign, which we all understood and cared about and remember. I’ll leave you all with a final, simple statement.
This reporter gives the new oligarchy FIVE BIG BOOMS!