As we make our way through the spring, many internship and job applications are finally starting to get back to us. In fact, your friend who always seems to have their shit together already heard back from a prestigious internship that somehow also pays like 80 bucks an hour. But recently, I’ve had a little revelation—there are actually only five types of summer opportunities, and you probably applied for all of them.
5. The Smithsonian-Harvard Internship for Really, Really, Really Distinguished Scholars.
You know the type. Six and a half slots, mediocre stipend, name recognition for days. This is the one where you really make sure to emphasize that you’re a woman in STEM, because every little bit of advantage counts. Even if you’re a he/they working through an English major. Sure, it’s a reach, but maybe you’re one of the lucky few?
No chance. Keep dreaming, dipshit.
4. Ol’ Stevie’s Arguments-Encouraged Hardware Store.
So maybe you set your sights a little too high with that first one. How about a nice part-time job with a decent salary? No? How about a bad part-time job with a minimum wage salary?
Hope you said yes, because that’s what this is. Sure, the pay is terrible, all of your coworkers will be sophomores from your high school and Ol’ Stevie’s promises half-off on all items if a customer can make one of the staff members cry, but… uh… it could be worse!
Somehow.
3. The Middle of Nowhere Institute for Your Hyper-Niche Interest.
Oh, this one looks cool! It’s the first internship you’ve found that focuses on the intersection of Peronist philosophy, late 20th century hip-hop and eusocial mammal ecology, which is crazy, because it’s such a growing field right now. But what’s that? There, in the location section of the application?
Yep, there’s the catch. The institute is located two hours away from your house, and you don’t have a car ever since that mix-up with the cursed Aztec gold. Also, the metro lines are a no-go ever since you tried to transfer that cursed Aztec gold onto your metro card.
2. Assistant Internship at the Realistic Society for Reasonable Ambitions.
Sure, it’s not as glamorous as Smithsonian-Harvard. But this is some real shit! A well-paying, career-relevant internship with a reasonable commute and a positive work environment. The only downside…
You have to write a cover letter?! Man, fuck this shit.
1. Just Giving Up.
Yeah, that’s more like it.