Last Sunday evening, Dean of Student Living and Wellness Luis Inoa added me to a Snapchat group chat entitled “secret Vassar admin group chat (shhhhhh omg don’t tell anybody!!!!).” I initially thought this was some sort of tricky trick against the all-powerful Editor-in-Chief (EiC) of the Misc as it was highly unusual for Vassar admins to involve a journalist in such a group chat, but as the messages turned into schemes and then schemes turned into real action, I knew this was no joke.
I happened to be friends with Dean Luis on Snapchat before being added to this admin group chat because our dads were friends in high school (long story), but we had only ever communicated a few times on the app and for purely journalistic purposes and not to maintain a streak of any kind for 502 or more days. Despite all of this strangeness, I still wondered if the chat was, in fact, real, so I stuck around.
The first message, late Monday night in the chat, was from a user labeled “DM,” who opened up the chatting. “I’m gonna b saving all the chats. I like looking back at them 4 the memories. Also bro, ngl I need everybody to get off my freaking ass about this egg situation bro… Handling that shit.” I deduced from this extended egg banter that this was likely Associate Dean of the College for Campus Activities Dennis Macheska.
After three hours, a user named PB, likely President Bradley, replied, “Sorry dawg.”
PB added another message shortly, stating, “operationobliteratenewhack is on schedule for this wed 4a.m!” This message seemed to be referring to the much-maligned Studio Art building, New Hackensack, commonly abbreviated “New Hack,” which sits on the far south side of campus. This message was a shock to me, as no plans from the administration had been released about obliterating the building, though one could imagine plans for a new art building based on New Hackensack’s brittle condition.
A user named DJ, likely Grounds Manager Dean Jaeger, replied, “Yayyyy. Have not blasted anything for two years now. Feelin’ antsy.”
Another user, CAP, likely Dean of the College, Carlos Alamo-Pastrana, replied, “IDK PB, It’s the middle of the semester. It would put a real strain on those art students. Could we push this off for two months?” This identity was pretty much confirmed in a reply that came in minutes later. “No, Dean of the College, Carlos Alamo-Pastrana, this CANNOT wait. I asked one of those lame-a studio art majors to draw a quick portrait of me when they were at one of my fancy dinners and they were like, Sorry, I got an essay due tonight???? Really??? After I served you pumpkin soup??? You can’t DRAW me? Their classes can rot in the basement of Blodgett for the rest of time for all I care.”
CAP replied, “It will be done.” A few more brief messages were exchanged that day, none of which acknowledged my presence in the chat.
About a day went by without any new chats. I anxiously awaited the validity of operationobliteratenewhack. Then, late Monday night, a new message appeared: “Does anybody else think the freshman class is, like, really lame this year?” added user DM.
PB replied, “No.”
PB then added. “They are always lame.”
DJ then chimed in with a video of a Key and Peele sketch called “Text Message Confusion.” DJ added, “This is so funny!!!” This message got three thumbs-ups.
User DL then chimed in with his own Key and Peele sketch video, “Boarding a Plane Shouldn’t Be This Hard,” followed by, “This one is really good too!” This message only got one thumbs-up.
The chats did not resume until early Tuesday afternoon at 2 p.m., twelve hours before the obliteration, when a user named JD chimed in. At first, I thought this might be Dean Jager with his initials flipped for some reason, but then I read his message: “Yo wazzzzzzzzzzzzapppppp. It’s me, J.D. Vance, ya’ll’s favorite vice-vice-president. Sorry I haven’t been chatting. Had the chat muted last week. Wuz doing bizness stuf… Best of luck with your bombing. Praying super duper hard for a #VassarVictory.” He also added a snap of him doing a thumbs-up, low angle.
PB replied, “Thx!”
PB replied again moments later: “Yo JD! This is John. President Bradley let me use her phone so I could talk to you. We gotta catch up man!!!!!! Wana go fishing next weekend?”
JD quickly responded, “No.”
PB replied, “:(“
No more messages appeared that night, and as Tuesday rolled into Wednesday, I found myself unable to sleep. I had to find out whether New Hack was going to be obliterated. A message finally appeared at 2 a.m. from PB: “ok, John’s gonna go set up all the dynamite. Lmao. He’s never done this before.”
CAP replied, “Lol”
DJ replied, “Lmao o:”
I laid in my bed for hours, restless for any more updates from the chat. Finally, at 4:01 a.m. I heard a faint explosion. I suddenly got out of bed, grabbed my candlestick and then raced across campus. There at New Hackensack was a big crater in the ground where the studio art side of the building used to be. I fell to my knees and wept. My phone buzzed; CAP sent a message: “Who is ‘BigDaddyFishlegs7?’” I was removed from the group chat ten minutes later.
The next day, no one was talking about the New Hack Obliteration. I talked to one of my friends who has a class there on Wednesdays, Vincent DaVinky ’25, to see if anything was weird about his day. He replied, “Eh… I don’t know. Just had my painting class. Same old decrepit New Hack. Felt a bit more spacious. The air quality was better, too. Kinda weird. You know what was really weird? I ran into John Bradley today and we chatted for a minute. Really wooden conversation. Don’t really remember him sounding that way. Almost robotic.”
Seems like a story for another day.
how dare you steal my username. #notcool