In a shocking turn of events that is neither precedented nor particularly relevant to pressing current events, Vassar has had to say goodbye to the president we all love to rag on. Not because she died, though—President Bradley (PB) has just been carried away by a swarm of bats, never to be seen again.
The Miscellany News’ writers are at a loss for what to do. Honestly, we were really hoping to do an article about the Department of Education budget cuts, or ongoing sensitive political topics, or maybe our ongoing investigative project on how PB is said to pour oily libations of wine-dark fluids into an altar on the Preserve. But nah, fuck that, am I right? We gotta talk about bats now, I guess.
This is the first bat incident on Vassar’s campus in almost three weeks, or six weeks if you don’t think a plague of various nocturnal creatures levied upon a TH party qualifies as a “bat incident,” which is a topic of ongoing debate in our floundering Biology Department. Unlike the previous two incidents, the bats appear to have been entirely sober, and their actions seem to have been premeditated.
The bats might have been cognizant of ongoing controversies with Vassar’s military investments. Probably not, though. Lead political analysts indicate most of New York’s bats are fairly ambivalent on the debate. Which is just great. No nuanced discussions to be had here!
We here at The Miscellany News are sad to see PB go, especially because we had all those great articles prepped. Our only hope is that the bats may someday return her to us. In the interim, we believe Vassar College should be governed by a council of its most qualified students—like, for instance, Wren Buehler.