This Monday, a horrific act of violence took place at approximately 12:34 a.m., when Vassar Quidditch seized control of Ferry House in a shocking act of wand-waggling aggression. In a night that will go down in infamy as “The Quaffle Quagmire,” the Ferry residents and all of their various meat replacements were thrown out into the dirt! It seems that the severe budget cuts they’ve experienced in recent years didn’t just impact the food budget; all of Ferry’s previous defense mechanisms were gone too (lasers, armed womp womps, etc.).
The siege began in the wee hours of the morning, when the dark night provided cover for a ragtag group of broom buddies to storm through the front door of Ferry. The quaptain, Quagmire Quagmire VI, stood on a table and gave a battle cry before reciting a declaration of sorts. According to eyewitness accounts, it went something like this: “Ughhhh! Every party on this campus sucks, I would literally rather eat my broom than go to another TH. We’ve decided to start a frat, and, uh, oh this is kind of awkward. We need you guys to go. Yeah. Ferry is just a really opportune spot for us, so we’re going to step in here. Pack it in. Yeah, yeah, of course! Take all the seitan you can carry and just, scram. Please?”
These vicious and unforgiving words would be enough to take anyone to their knees. I myself am still shuddering just remembering what it was like to hear it relayed. I can’t even imagine what it was like to be there in person, and my heart goes out to the Ferry residents. Fear not, though; they didn’t leave without a fight. One Ferry resident (who has chosen to remain anonymous) told me that they formed a human barricade against the advancing Quidditch team, but it was no match against the beaters and their expertly tossed, ripped foam dodgeballs.
Ferry House residents have found temporary exile in Lathrop House. In fact, two of them are sleeping on my floor right now. Word is, they’ve been holding meetings to organize writing a strongly worded op-ed for The Miscellany News. A counterstrike is also in the works, with rumors that they plan to invoke a little-known clause of the Vassar Student Code of Conduct that forbids “fake sports-based coups.”
For now, however, the Quidditch team remains triumphant. The guy who’s also the golden snitch can often be found standing triumphantly on Ferry’s roof, the scrotum-esque snitch thing swinging proudly in the wind (it’s a weird game), taunting any member of Ferry who dares to enter his eyeline. One can only hope that Ferry’s rightful residents are able to move back in soon, or, at the very least, that the new Quidditch frat parties are really fun and cool.