[Disclaimer: This article is part of our April Fools’ Day issue.]
In the wee hours of Sunday, March 30, Mike White shocked the world by dropping the “White Lotus” finale a week early. Dedicated fans—like your faithful Arts editors—noticed that this week, not one, but two episodes were released. Like the excellent journalists we are, we stayed up to watch the chaos play out. Here is our recap:
Firstly, Rick (Walton Goggins) and his newly non-sober friend Frank (Sam Rockwell) wind down their post-old man chair push bender and catch a flight back to the resort. Rick reunites with Chelsea (Aimee Lou Wood), and Frank settles in nicely on their pull-out couch. Taking a walk around the resort, Frank finds himself immersed in the nature of the hotel and befriends a curious monkey. He has a sit-down with the monkey, explaining to them the highs and lows of his life—a riveting tale we all heard in episode six. Yet, instead of preaching the joys of a sober lifestyle, he introduces the monkeys to the joys of recreational drugs. The monkeys take his story to heart. They have been watching copious drug usage by the hotel guests and have an inkling as to where the good stuff is hidden. But more on that later…
Belinda (Natasha Rothwell), however, misses all the action; being the only sensible person to ever grace a White Lotus hotel, she takes her new man and gets on the next flight back home. She lives peacefully and never hears from Greg again.
Greg (Jon Gries), scared of being ousted by Belinda, dumps Chloe (Charlotte Le Bon), gets a hair transplant, starts his life over again in small-town Idaho with his nephew, dabbles in the medical field and befriends a llama. We’re personally hoping he tries some therapy for his deep-rooted familial issues.
Back at the hotel, Laurie (Carrie Coon) and Kate (Leslie Bibb) enjoy their last breakfast, chomping down on their daily serving of buffet fruit. They decide they are done dealing with Jaclyn’s (Michelle Monaghan) vanity and sneak into her room while she is still asleep. With a pair of scissors and a blind rage, they chop off her luscious locks into a cunty bob. Their shared bob-ness transcends the drama, political tension and cheating treachery they have endured. Leaving Thailand with a fresh cut, the girls rejoice in their rekindled friendship.
When we left off in episode seven, Piper (Sarah Catherine Hook) was having a little trouble getting to sleep. Looking for some comfort, she turns back to her freakish little brother, Lochlan (Sam Nivola). In a moment of vulnerability, Lochlan confesses to his behavior from episode six and, appalled, Piper suggests he go seek some help from the monastery’s resident monk. After their very enlightening conversation, Lochlan metaphorically touches grass and physically touches sand and takes to the seas with a Thai rowing team, where he can paddle his troubles away. This plotline is reminiscent of Season one, where a young boy with similarly freakish energy abandons his rich family in pursuit of the ocean.
On the other hand, Piper, much like her mother, was not built for an uncomfortable life. The dripping pipe in the monastery was just too much for her to handle. She adopts the lifestyle of Chloe’s local friends and meets her own rich, older, very bald man escaping tax fraud in America and gets hitched. But don’t worry, she loves him. No really, she does.
As for Saxon (Patrick Swarzenegger), he reclaims his phone from the very high-security envelope jail and calls the office. After the employees reveal his father’s indiscretions, Saxon quickly calls the police and begs to be spared if he cooperates. The feds begin relentlessly questioning him as to the company’s crimes. But poor Saxon, in true nepo baby fashion, has no clue what his father’s company actually does. Viewers realize he has never actually worked a day in his life—or even stepped foot into the office. Once the FBI rules him out as an accomplice, or even an employee, they let him go free. With no trust fund left and plagued with recurring nightmares about his little brother, Saxon embarks on a wellness journey—he is still trying to bag Chelsea—and befriends Valentin. Inspired by his career, Saxon takes a job at White Lotus Aspen, where he will be a central character in the next season. That is what we were all hoping for, right?
Meanwhile, the monkeys seek the enlightenment Frank has found in recreational drug use. Sneaking into Timothy Ratliff’s (Jason Issac) private stores, they strike gold: lorazepam. When Timothy awakens and finds his treasured lorazepam gone, he descends into madness (serious withdrawal). In a fit of insanity, drenched in sweat (from the serious withdrawals), he defiles the Duke shirt one last time, ripping it to shreds and revealing on his chest a large UNC Chapel Hill tattoo—the ultimate betrayal.
Fleeing Timothy’s room high on lorazepam, the monkeys snatch the gun from Gaitok’s (Tayme Thapthimthong) hip holster and fire a few practice shots at the range before taking to the trees and engaging in a classic monkey shooting spree. In the chaos, Victoria (Parker Posey) tragically dies. As her life flashes before her eyes, she is suddenly transported back to her vision of the tsunami. Except this time, the waves calm down and out of the shorebreak appears the ghost of Tanya (Jennifer Coolidge). Kindred spirits in Mike White multiverse, Tanya beckons her to join the fleet of icons who have succumbed to the “White Lotus” curse.
In a last-ditch attempt to have the monkeys step away from violence and see reason, Fabian (Christian Friedel), the hotel manager, finally conquers his stage fright and calms them down with another performance of his original German musical stylings. Much like the band on the Titanic, he is going down with the ship and singing through the devastation.
In the aftermath of the shooting, Gaitok gets fired. Rightfully so. Mook (Lalisa Manobal) is disgusted by Gaitok’s weakness and overall stupidity and leaves him. Clearly realizing there were not enough gay people this season, Mike White gives us one final surprise: Mook and Chelsea belong together. After quickly realizing their signs are more compatible, Chelsea leaves Rick to be with Mook.
White Lotus Thailand is unable to survive the relentless murder scandals and is officially shut down. With the monkeys running loose on their lorazepam-induced rampage, the resort can no longer revive its reputation. But never fear, because Mike White is taking the next season back to the States with White Lotus Aspen. Outfitted with custom Kemosabe hats, the likes of Kevin Costner, David Cross, Lori Loughlin and Ayo Edebiri grace the slopes. With a perfect blend of luxury snow suits, endless flight delays, hot skiing instructors and ill-fated wealthy family dynamics, Aspen is sure to deliver another season of must-watch television.