Aries
We’ve all heard “you can take a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.” I’m so sorry for the scourge of people trying to force you to drink. Has anyone ever thought, “Perhaps the horse has a reason not to want to drink?” Something to ponder…
Taurus
The stars really wanted me to let you know this week that you need to work on your class participation grades. I know it’s hard to speak up in class because of your social anxiety and also you are a horse. Maybe the AEO office has a horse protocol?
Gemini
I think this week you should play around more with your wardrobe! Try on a fun Vassar spring outfit, like a long skirt or something. Okay. Honestly? You just have to stop walking around here naked. If you act like a horse, people will treat you like a horse.
Cancer
It seems that this week you’re constantly going to have to piss like a racehorse! This is odd because, as everyone knows, no Cancer horse ever became a racehorse. If I were you, I would go to Baldwin for a UTI test. Maybe try some cranberry juice?
Leo
Oh Leos, you guys are some of the sexiest horses around. This week, at least three people are going to make sexually charged “riding” jokes to you. All you can do is just do your thang. They don’t deserve to ride you ;).
Virgo
BE CAREFUL. Someone is trying to sabotage your plans to invade the Kentucky Derby this week. Keep your horse friends close, but your horse enemies closer…
Libra
The stars told me you’ve experienced a loss in the family—I’m so sorry to hear that. Even worse, this girl in one of my classes who never has an original thought but never shuts up caught wind too. Avert your eyes! I’ve never seen someone beat a dead horse like she does.
Scorpio
Every Scorpio horse I’ve ever met has been a total gift horse. You know the type, gift horses! You poor things, everyone debating looking you in the mouth or not looking you in the mouth. The dentist must be so confusing. I think you should just start biting!
Sagittarius
Oh brother, I know it must be really hard for you to be a horse with such a small penis. Luckily, the stars told me that your pre-org, Horse Support for Horses not Hung like Horses, is getting VSA approval this week! Congrats to you and your little buddy.
Capricorn
This week, the people around you are going to be absolutely starving…tread lightly, dear horse readers. Your human friends, they’re going to be so hungry that they could eat a… no… I shan’t say.
Aquarius
This week, you should clip-clop around President Bradley’s house—neigh, whinny, do that bubulrrugh thing with your lips, just be a nuisance. Obviously, this is in protest of how much she hates horses.
Pisces
Watch out!!! This week, I heard that some son of a bitch is going to try to put his cart before you! I mean, so ridiculous, he’s never gonna be able to attach you to a cart like that, but on a deeper level… should we even be attaching carts to horses? Hmm…