[Disclaimer: This article is part of our April Fools’ Day issue.]
In a shock decision released by President of the College Elizabeth Bradley, on Friday, March 13, the Bridge for Laboratory Sciences will be rehousing all classes and labs previously held in the facility, effectively ceasing the building’s academic function on campus. In an email to the Vassar community, Bradley announced, “The Bridge Building for Laboratory Sciences will be eliminating its Laboratory Sciences to focus on being a bridge.”
The Bridge currently serves three essential roles on campus: It is home to the Vassar Chemistry and Biochemistry Departments and numerous labs; it single-handedly caffeinates the entire student body through its recent collaboration with The Brew; and it bridges together the North and South campus. Every day, thousands of students cross through the Bridge to reach Skinner Music Hall, Central Receiving and the highly coveted living complex, the Southern Commons.
The decision, which goes into effect next Saturday, April 12, was made by the administration in concert with the Bridge itself. In a bombshell interview with The Miscellany News, the Bridge spoke about its nine-year tenure in the Laboratory Sciences. “I know this may seem like a rash decision, but Laboratory Sciences was never one of my interests. It was just a job for me. When I applied for this position back in 2015, it was posted on Indeed as ‘Bridge.’ They said they preferred candidates with four to five years of experience of passage work; they didn’t say anything about a robotics laboratory. I never would have applied if I had known. I mean, who would choose this? Maybe if I were the Bridge for Media Studies, things could have worked out differently.”
Documents obtained by The Miscellany News show the Bridge has been sinking into the ground ever since its construction in 2016. The Bridge went on to discuss the intense working conditions as a full-time bridge, barista and chemist: “I am open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. People don’t realize what kind of a toll this takes on someone. I can feel myself literally sinking into the ground under the weight of all this science. It’s too much pressure.”
Bradley said in a phone call with The Miscellany News, “We wanted to respect the Bridge’s choice to focus on other passions. An integral part of our pedagogical mission is to build bridges and let those bridges be free when they are no longer interested in working in the sciences. I used to work in the sciences myself, actually; I became President to get away from all the hoopla.”
Bradley dished that the College will be looking for new classroom and laboratory spaces and is planning to make an internal hire before the end of the calendar year. In the interim, all laboratory sciences will be relocated to the Express side of the College Center. The Mail Center will be the new home for the laboratory rats previously stored in the walls of the Bridge. Instead of constructing new cages, students’ mailboxes will be repurposed to accommodate the little rascals. The Mail Room anticipates the rats’ presence will help improve their efficiency. Other rats will be sent to The Retreat to assist with food preparation.
Chemistry Professor Adam Carbonate expressed frustration with the dissolution of the Laboratory Science building: “I’m incredibly disheartened by this. I thought the Bridge and I were tight. I’m not the kind to burn my bridges, but I just might have to start.”
Despite the impact it is having on the Vassar community, the Bridge has never been happier. “Ever since I made the decision to abandon the sciences, I’ve felt 500 tons lighter. I’m thinking about the next chapter of my life. Maybe I’ll become a car wash. Who knows, the options are endless.”