[Disclaimer: This article is part of our April Fools’ Day issue.]
Beginning in the Fall 2025 semester, Vassar will launch the process of ending dining operations at Gordon Commons, frequently referred to as the Deece, in anticipation of the building’s conversion to a museum investigating the history of food poisoning at Vassar. Due to the immensity of the project, administrators expect the museum will not open until Spring 2032. Heading the project is acclaimed food poisoning historian Mike Stumakurtz, whose appointment indicates the College’s high expectations for the museum. In a recent interview, Stumakurtz commented on the length of the project: “Honestly, the seven-year deadline is pushing it. Just cataloguing the sheer number of cases that have originated from this building will probably take my team and I upwards of 15 years. Could be two decades, quite frankly. I’ve been working on the history of food poisoning since before ’Nam and I’ve never seen anything this bad.”
The museum will keep Gordon Commons’ physical structure largely intact to create an interactive experience for visitors as they pass through each exhibit, which will be spaced to roughly correspond with the current food stations such as Home, Stocks and The Global Kitchen. Resident District Manager for Bon Appétit Stephen Scardina explained, “We really want visitors to the museum to feel like they are students facing the trials and tribulations of Gordon Commons. To make the exhibits most effective, we want to accurately recreate the visceral fear of being forced to eat chicken that has been sitting uncovered on an open counter for upwards of half a day. We at Bon Appétit felt the best way to achieve that was to preserve the carefully cultivated feng shui of Gordon Commons as it stands today.”
The museum will aim to provide visitors with a comprehensive history of the most important food poisoning events at Vassar College. As visitors enter, they will be directed to an exhibit about one of Vassar’s first major food poisoning incidents. In November 1897, 60 students were sent to the infirmary after consuming improperly cooked veal. Head of Special Collections and College Historian Ronald Patkus said, “The 1897 Veal Incident is an incredibly important moment in Vassar history. After only three decades of operations, the College managed to give 60 students food poisoning from a single meal! Most colleges have never hit numbers like that. That, to me, shows that Vassar truly is an independent, coeducational, residential liberal arts college in the scenic Hudson Valley.”
Where The Farmer’s Table once stood will be a plaque memorializing students who contracted scurvy due to a lack of available fresh fruits. In what one student described as extremely poor taste, a Jolly Roger flag will fly above the plaque, emblazoned with the words “Ahoy, Matey!” Stumakurtz explained, “We just thought people maybe didn’t know what scurvy was, so we figured a pirate reference would be useful.”
The crowning achievement of the museum will be an exhibit celebrating foods that have poisoned the most students, spanning from Oasis to Kosher. Mac and cheese takes third place. Emily Beige ’27 commented, “I remember once I was extremely cross-faded and thought that the Deece mac and cheese was the most delicious thing that had ever graced my lips. I kept telling everyone I saw that they absolutely had to try it. A shocking number of them did, either because of my incredible charisma or because tears were streaming down my face as I implored them just to take a bite. If I remember correctly, I kept calling it ‘the ambrosia of the gods.’” A cloudy look passed over Beige’s eyes. “That was a treacherous night for me,” she remembered. “I felt like the eastern coast of California during the Big One. I swear to God there were nuclear fissures tearing me apart.” Beige added, “I believe 77 people got food poisoning from that single batch of mac and cheese.”
Second place is chicken, just in general. Multiple students described cutting into a piece of chicken only to find most of the interior a bright, deeply uncooked pink. Sam O’Nella ’25 described, “Once, I bit into a piece of Butter Chicken Concept—which, by the way, was just chicken cooked in butter—and that shit was frozen. I mean really frozen: I chipped a tooth.” The Miscellany News visually confirmed that O’Nella was, in fact, missing a significant portion of his left front tooth, causing him to whistle a little as he spoke.
Easily first place is the bang bang shrimp pizza, with a whopping 2,741 cases. No students were willing to speak about their experiences with Deece shellfish consumption. In response to a request for comment, one student sent a terse email that read, “The bang bang shrimp pizza is the reason I have been in therapy for the last three years. My family curses that pizza to this day. Please never contact me again.” Another student broke down in tears immediately upon hearing the words “bang bang.”
In light of such life-altering experiences, the Boobth near The Global Kitchen will be converted into a private therapy space for those adversely affected by Deece food poisoning. Dean of Student Living and Wellness Luis Inoa explained, “In these difficult times, we just really want to emphasize the importance of creating safe spaces for those who feel they have been harmed by something that may have occurred here.”
A previous pop-up therapy tent after the Mac and Cheese Debacle was poorly received by some students. Sarah McNeil ’25 [Disclaimer: McNeil is a News Editor for The Miscellany News] said, “When I arrived for my appointment, which I had to schedule 17 weeks in advance, I was met by the most ancient therapy dog I had ever seen in my life. Her name was Gingerpie, she was 24 years old, her hair was falling off in large clumps and she was very visibly incontinent. I know she was supposed to console me but when that sandpaper tongue of hers touched my trembling, sweaty palm, I vomited everywhere. If Gingerpie shows up at the Boobth, I’m going to fucking lose it.”
Original plans to turn Coffee and Sweets into a gift shop selling foods that have never poisoned any students were scrapped because of limited options. Scardina reported, “It was literally just the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches from Express. We burn the shit out of those burgers at The Grill but somehow they still got a couple of poor bastards.”
A new dining hall will be built on the Preserve starting in Spring 2025. President Elizabeth Bradley wrote in an email to The Miscellany News: “We’ve been trying for years to construct buildings that will be universally hated as a way to build community on campus, such as the Institute for the Liberal Arts and the new admissions building. We hope we will finally succeed by putting the dining hall as physically far from everything else as possible.”