Aries
Keep an eye out for people screaming that they want to kill you this week. I get the sense that they may not have your best interest at heart?
Taurus
Looks like you’re gonna choke on a cherry tomato this week. Better cut them up into quarters like a stupid little baby.
Gemini
I fear that you may pee on the floor this week. Wear it proudly! Will it happen by accident or by choice? That, my friend, is up to you.
Cancer
You need to do something drastic to defeat social anxiety. Maybe pretend the next campus tour guide you see is an ex that wronged you and start screaming at them. Give those kids a show!
Leo
The stars are telling me you need some serious help beating those Sunday scaries. Well, that’s easy! Just make another day of the week scarier. Like, go to a haunted house every Thursday!
Virgo
The stars know you’re really sad that all your April Fools pranks failed. It’s weird you’re dwelling on it, but if you want to get someone good, take all the ice cream out and climb in the Deece ice cream freezer yourself. Next person who wants a scoop? PRANKED.
Libra
This week is going to be so fire. Literally. You need to stop hanging stuff on the pipes in your room and putting tapestries above your bed. You’re at high risk when the building lights on fire.
Scorpio
DO NOT GO STARGAZING THIS WEEK UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. It will be so cold! You could lose all your fingers.
Sagittarius
Just go bowling this week. It’s the only solution to your… many problems. Except, instead of throwing the balls, you’ve gotta kick them. Maybe put shin guards on your toes. Or invent toe guards.
Capricorn
Next time you write a paper, slip in a little secret for your professor. Maybe a nice euphemism or a limerick or something. I think they would really like that.
Aquarius
You have to stop playing the NYT games during class. They’re not distracting enough. Try Papa’s Pizzeria or chess—something that really takes your focus.
Pisces
Be really super careful of holes on campus this week. If you fell in one, you would need help and would probably die of embarrassment like my Sim did when she peed herself while I was playing “The Sims 4.”