You all may have noticed a hoard of high school seniors descending upon campus on our snowy day last week. Admitted students day is a time honored tradition that allows the newest batch of Vassar College students to look at campus with their parents, enjoy sandwiches that the Deece has once a year and hear from at least four people that Vassar is actually a nationally recognized pianoretum thanks to the 200 different species of Steinway pianos. This year, however, the College has determined that some admitted students just aren’t being served by these two days: The evil ones.
That’s right: Coming up next Friday is Vassar’s first-ever Evil Admitted Students Day! This day is aimed specifically at all the students who can’t wait to come and cause mayhem everywhere they go, and who want to get a look at the seedy underbelly of Vassar College. Evil Admitted Students Day is an opportunity for the most evil admitted students to become acquainted with the most evil parts of Vassar. The plans for this day are supposed to be a big surprise, as the administration doesn’t want to advertise the evil parts of Vassar to the non-evil admitted students. Dear readers, fear not! My eternally reliable source, someone I can promise is as close to President Bradley as one can be, came through. That’s right, the one, the only, Brohn Jadley has given me the skinny on Evil Admitted Students Day.
“Basically, the whole polished, perfect look at the place just isn’t right for everyone coming here. We had all the admitted students who came last year fill out a survey, and the overwhelmingly most common response was ‘This was fine, but I just feel like I’m more evil. I wish I had gotten to see the evil parts of Vassar,’ followed closely by ‘the potato salad was a little dry.’ We want to make sure every admitted student feels welcome here, so we wanted to hold space for our evil students and evil Vassar to come together.”
But what does this mean? I needed more specifics. Jadley, as always, came through in a huge way.
“Emma, let me give it to you straight. Some students are evillll. Some stuff at Vassar is super evillll. We want students to know that they have a home here, even if they’re evil. So, the activities are going to be like ‘evil tour.’ No bullshit about the arboretum. This is for those who can handle the real gritty stuff. I’m talking looking at the Raymond Basement, looking at a TH fresh after a party and walking into a class where someone is going on their eighth minute of virtue signaling instead of responding to the question, and the professor doesn’t know how to cut someone off. We are going to send those bitches into a Deece with no sweet treats except for leftover breakfast danishes and burnt sugar cookies. There will be one delicious-sounding thing at Oasis, but Oasis will be closed. Every other station will be as follows: Brick Oven: clam and eggplant pizza; Home: clam and eggplant pasta; Kosher: eggplant soup; Grill: just grilled clams and eggplant, nothing else; Global: clam and eggplant concept. We’ve got big plans for clam and eggplant potato salad, and of course, Your Kitchen will be stocked with eggplant and clams. We are going to make them walk through the Bridge and drop a metal water bottle. There will be no cute little sandwiches and ice cream bars. We are going to MAKE SURE it is raining. You didn’t hear this from me, but anyone who doesn’t want to see Dean Alamo’s ‘landing gear’ shouldn’t go to Sunset Lake on Thursday evening, lest they see him doing a naked rain dance. President Bradley is going to give a speech to the parents about every bad thing that has happened here this year, and then someone who doesn’t like her is going to get on stage and talk about supporting genocide and underpaying women. It should be totally off the hook!”
This reporter is glad to hear that students are getting a look at the real Vassar. But what evil stuff will the students themselves be doing? Don’t worry, Jadley had the scoop on that too.
“Oh it’s going to be awful. They’re all going to be talking to each other the entire time about Ivies they ‘got into’ but chose not to go to. They’re going to shit and not flush. Those bastards… I almost don’t want to say but god dammit Emma, I just respect you too much to hide it. They’re going to walk into the exit of the dish pit.”
I shudder to think of the mayhem that we can expect next Friday. Jadley and I ended our conversation here as he started quaking about sharing the president’s secrets in a very Dobby-esque kind of way. I hope, however, that all the most evil-admitted students feel at home after their special day. My advice for you? Lock your doors, skip your classes, maybe spend some Arlington bucks for lunch. And to the evil admitted students? Have fun!