Aries
When I was four years old, my mom took me to a play: a comedic farce about a man getting fired from his job. I, being four years old, thought the man was about to be incinerated live on stage. I bawled so hard my mom had to drag me out of the theater. The lesson of this story is this week, you should develop a deep disdain of capitalist working practices. Maybe you’ll prevent a fiery death.
Taurus
When I was a freshman and his daughter still went to Vassar, Jim Gaffigan of “That ’70s Show” fame tried to hit on me. He saw my big, dumb glasses, my Hot Topic kappa shirt and beautiful blue jorts, and thought, “Wow, she’s the one.” On Saturday, you will receive a call from Jim Gaffigan. But don’t pick up! It’s meant for me. Duh.
Gemini
My old childhood friend Reva used to have these little Revlon Parfumerie scented nail polishes that looked like miniature vintage perfumes. My favorite scent and color was China Flower, a bright red. I wanted to steal it from her so bad. Now Revlon has discontinued them. Paint your nails red in different ways.
Cancer
Her bone structure screams, “Touch her! Touch her!” / And she’s got the curse of curves / So with the combination of my gift with one-liners / And my way, my way with words / It seems I’m too hip to keep tight lipped / And you’re on the gossip team / You’re making something out of nothing / And jealousy’s the cousin, the cousin of greed.
Leo
You’re going to try to open the Deece doors this week like a Big Strong Manly Man-Man, but alas! The handle is broken again and you will be unable to get your honeydew melon for breakfast. Take this as an opportunity to grow and learn, specifically by growing and learning at the gym. No muscle pains, no muscle gains.
Virgo
Please go home and do nothing. Don’t do anything. Why are you walking around campus and doing things when you could be at home, doing nothing? Have you forgotten the immeasurable joys of doing nothing? Don’t delay. Do nothing.
Libra
Let’s say, hypothetically, you have a professor who keeps giving you B+s on your weekly essays. Let’s even say you try to improve your writing to get a higher grade, but it goes nowhere and the professor is still handing out those bitter Bs. Why even try anymore? It’s not like you’re going to grad school. Take those papers, and toss them in the river, brother.
Scorpio
I met this girl once named Nikita. I thought she liked me, but it turned out that she got all my other friends to turn against me and started an “I Hate Nandini” club (clever title). She only met me once and decided that I was worthy enough to have antis. Everyone you meet this week will feel similarly towards you. Don’t let it get to your head.
Sagittarius
I’m really annoyed by other Telugu-Americans who are total “TFI banisas” and “obsessed with Telugu culture.” All they end up doing is making cringe reels on Instagram about educating their white friends. I think this is worse than not engaging with Indian culture at all. Imagine having an Italian friend who’s really into “The Bicycle Thieves.” Please watch some American movies this week, eat a burger.
Capricorn
It’s your lucky day! This week your Sim in “The Sims 4” is going to have hot hot ghost sex with their dead partner and unlock the secret achievement “What Would it Be Like?” You’ve been trying for ages but none of your Sims want to have sex. Why? What do they know about sex that you don’t? What do you mean I’ve been playing “The Sims” too much?
Aquarius
Why are commitment issues only sexy when men have them? I tell every first date that I have an avoidant attachment style, and they only respond with stuff like, “Oh my gawd, Nandy, that’s a totally minus vibe thing to say in this Chilis.” If someone does to you this week, just stuff your purse with chicken crispers and storm out. Life’s too short.
Pisces
Did you know that if you directly translate the words for “earwax,” “rheum” and “snot” from Chinese to English, they become “ear shit,” “eye shit” and “nose shit?” This makes a killer rhythmic chant to hum under your breath when you’re walking to class. Earshiteyeshitnoseshit. Say it to your friends! Earshiteyeshitnoseshit. Recite it to your boss! Earshiteyeshitnoseshit. Sing it while you’re signing divorce papers! Please call me back, Deborah.