Dating apps suck. I utter this phrase at least once a day, often to a room of single friends who express their agreement. Yet, every few times this interaction occurs, someone elects to redownload the apps. As my peers continue to perpetrate a cycle we simultaneously condemn, I cannot help but wonder: Does the flaw lie within the apps or how we use them?
According to findings by the Pew Research Center in 2023, Americans under the age of 30 are significantly more likely to have used dating apps. Specifically, three in every 10 adults have used a dating app, Tinder being the most reported, with 46 percent of online daters indicating prior use. In terms of satisfaction with the platforms, 46 percent of users report very or somewhat negative experiences with the apps, and only 48 percent of Americans believe dating apps are safe.
An article from The New York Times poses the topic of online dating burnout. The author asserts that long-term users of dating apps can feel depleted and hopeless, which creates a sense of fatigue around dating. Further, seeing others’ success in the dating sphere can accumulate resentment and misery in unsuccessful users. Yet, when exploring the root causes of these feelings, the interviewees highlighted themes of consistent disappointment and unfulfilled anticipation. Specifically, the emotional and monetary investment in the process led to eventual burnout, leaving users feeling drained. Having periods of obsessive use may also contribute to the overall fatigue. The identifiable problems with dating apps raise the question of whether or not possible solutions exist.
In my experience, even those who have set strict boundaries around their dating app use have felt a sense of burnout eventually. Because of the increasingly digitized world we live in, many of my peers have reluctantly conformed to modern dating. Although they are making the conscious decision to partake in dating app culture, there is still an aura of misery surrounding their actions. Reflecting on this contradiction, I am curious how the negative mindset shapes the outcome of dating on the apps, specifically within today’s young adults.
A 2023 Opinion from The Washington Post explores the incompatibility between Generation Z and dating apps. Broadly, the piece includes a discussion of concepts like swipe fatigue—the result of the stressful and formulaic attempts to find a partner online—and the sentiment that many in this generation are happy being single. Furthermore, Generation Z has a tendency to get caught up in the hyper-specificity that comes with endless online options, which often prevents them from serious pursuit.
On one hand, my experience discussing this topic points to a classic case of “the grass is greener on the other side.” Hinge, an app that is gaining popularity over the previously dominant Tinder, only allows users eight free “yes” swipes per day. I have seen many people “save” their likes, only to spend significantly less than the maximum over the course of a day, because they do not want to “waste” the swipes. This selectiveness encourages intense scrutiny of potential matches, and oftentimes, prospects are ruled out purely on the principle of saving a swipe. This is one of the key pillars of the problematic side of dating apps.
As alluded to at the start of this article, many users download the apps due to indirect peer pressure. Yet, in my experience discussing the dating scene, many of my peers express a desire to return to traditional ways of meeting. A popular ideal is the concept of a matchmaker, or having friends introduce friends. One potential roadblock to the success of this method is the standards imposed by friends for their friends. That is, individuals will deem people not good enough to be introduced. As I formulated this piece, I wondered whether the selectiveness of dating apps manifests itself in real life, and I believe that this is a key example of the phenomenon.
So, are there actionable steps to take towards resolving this problem?
I believe the conflation between standards and selectiveness needs to be addressed. Oftentimes, friends will write off their selective nature as having set high standards for the individuals they date. It is important to have standards and reasonable criteria for the people we date. But ruling a potential match out for a minor flaw or because one wants to wait for a better option needs to stop.
Furthermore, if almost everyone hates the apps, there will be strength in a collective decision to stop using them. Whether or not the clutches of the apps are from Stockholm syndrome or a genuine desire to make them better avenues of meeting people, one thing is clear: They are not working, and they are creating detrimental effects in the dating population.