At an impromptu press conference on Tuesday, former congressman George Santos shared the next step in his post-political career. “Today, I announce that I am running for pope. I urge the American people to write my name on the ballot come Election Day.” Santos gained notoriety in 2023 for lying about such things as being the former star on Baruch College’s volleyball team, a school that he never attended. Asked to share his favorite Bible verse, he smiled: “You miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take.”
Santos made his case by outlining his qualifications. “Not many people know this about me, but I served as a bishop for four years starting when I was 24. I was then appointed cardinal at age 29.” When reporters asked why this was kept secret, Santos said the answer was simple: “Sharing that I was a bishop might have jeopardized my volleyball career.” Reporters then asked why there was no proof of his volleyball career. “Sharing the news of my volleyball career might have jeopardized my political career,” he responded.
“I am surprised no Democrat has stepped forward to fight to be the nominee, yet,” Santos continued. “They must be scared. Who do the Democrats have? Bernie Sanders? Josh Shapiro? Chuck Schumer?” When asked if he knew that the pope was selected by a vote of cardinals, Santos replied that because of the bird flu, he thought that things would be different this year.
Santos is only 36 years old, which would make him the youngest pope in over 1,000 years. He argued, however, he is used to being one of the youngest in his field. “I wrote the Harry Potter, Hobbit, and Hunger Games books all before the age of 20, using the pen names of J.K. Rowling, J.R.R. Tolkien, and Gordon Ramsay, respectively,” Santos said. “I didn’t have time to work on them during my record-setting hike of Mount Everest, although writing them was a nice way to relax during the spaceflights I manned to the moon.”
Critics have voiced concerns over how Santos would also be the first pope to rule from prison once his jail time starts on July 30. Santos called these criticisms “blasphemous.” However, Santos has acknowledged that his travel restrictions complicate matters. Despite his desire to visit the Vatican as part of his campaign, Santos was ordered to surrender his passport after being deemed a flight risk. His legal team has been working tirelessly to find a loophole that would allow him to visit the Holy Land. They allegedly sent a request to President Trump to deport the congressman to the Vatican. If the administration denies their request, Santos is crowdfunding to buy a mansion in New York City’s Little Italy.
Readers may remember that Santos once referred to himself as Jewish. When accused of lying, he explained that he meant to say he was “Jew-ish.” Santos, the first openly-gay Republican congressman, poses a serious threat to the Church’s stance on “homosexuality.” Santos released a statement yesterday night in an attempt to alleviate these concerns: “Despite a career where I have strived for complete honesty, I am deeply ashamed to confess the only lie I have ever made. I am not gay. I am gay-ish.”