Aries
We as a society need to stop poaching eggs and doing freaky things to them. This week, you can do your part to end the scourge of weird, themed Benedicts by poaching something else. Perhaps tonight’s pineapple sheet cake with cream cheese frosting would poach well. I don’t know.
Taurus
This week you are going to be HUMILIATED. You are going to say something so stupid and asinine in your last class of the semester that everyone is going to remember you as a huge idiot. Your face is going to be so red you could fry an… an… you could fry something on it!
Gemini
You might be panicking about the future this week. Don’t. One must remember that life is like an egg salad. Some good parts. Some bad parts. Best enjoyed fresh. Will keep if stored in an airtight container and refrigerated for three to five days. Sometimes there’s onions. Almost always there’s mayo.
Cancer
Don’t let the haters make you feel like a pathetic little quail egg this week. You may be small in stature, but I know that you can attack the trials that face you with the thick membrane, sturdy shell and massive yolk of an ostrich egg.
Leo
You should add something special to your week. Maybe do a face mask or meditate one morning. Think about your week as a bowl of ramen with no soft boiled egg. Add the soft boiled egg of life.
Virgo
Don’t get your hopes up again that there will be fried eggs at Global this weekend. You’re just setting yourself up for disappointment. It’s time to accept the omelet. I recommend pepper, onion and ham.
Libra
Don’t try to boil eggs in your electric kettle, please, that Reddit thread is misleading you. Not speaking from experience, but what might happen is that the eggs might get too hot and crack and all of a sudden you don’t have a water kettle, you have an egg water kettle. Perchance.
Scorpio
Watch out for testicles this week. Your own, other people’s, just be aware. You never know what they could be hiding. It’s testicular cancer awareness month, so the best advice I can give you is CHECK OUT THOSE BALLS. Stay alert, stay smart, stay safe.
Sagittarius
Finals are going to have you feeling SCRAMBLED this week! Almost like you’re a bowl of eggs. There’s something else to keep in mind about scrambled eggs though. Scrambled eggs are tasty, reliable and notoriously good at finishing Global Nineteenth Century Studies take home finals.
Capricorn
Something annoying is about to happen in your Minecraft world. You’re going to kill the ender dragon, but you’re destined to forget a piston or torch to collect her egg! Good. You sick motherfucker. Stealing a baby like that? #respectwomen #mamabear #myeggmychoice
Aquarius
You’re a lot like an egg. Some people think you’re gross. Some people are allergic. Some people eat you every day. Some people say you’re too high in cholesterol. Some people try to replace you with applesauce when you’re called for in a NYT recipe for custard and leave really stupid mean reviews.
Pisces
You ever think about how crazy it is that people with ovaries literally have eggs in them? It’s sort of creepy… sort of skeeving me out. Oh god. GOD. I DON’T LIKE IT GET THEM OUT SHIT FUCK SHIT!