And in the blink of an eye, four years passed like sand blowing through the Atacama Desert. You see, life is much like journalism. A young journalist comes into this world, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready to make a mark on the world with their listicles and fake news articles. They work their way up the ladder. Maybe they even help edit some articles or write some weird experimental stuff that flops so hard, like your drunk friend at a pool party. Then, before they know it, it’s all over. They are forced to get this silly little thing called a “diploma” and then do this foolish little thing called “work?” Preposterous! Where does the journalist go from here? What does life look like without the Humor section of The Miscellany News? This is why I have decided to record the things I want to accomplish (which are things any young graduate MUST accomplish) in the next few years following my departure from Vassar. Another listicle—yay!
- Become a cloud
Transforming myself into a beautiful cumulus has always been high on my list of priorities, but who has the time these days? The first thing I’m going to do, of course, is leave my corporeal body and become a majestic cloud, floating high in the sky. Maybe I’ll even meet a gorgeous gorgeous man and have his half-human, half-vapor kids!
- Eat a lot of galettes
My life so far has been pretty galette-less. Since I don’t sadly don’t live in France, opportunities to eat galettes have been pretty rare, aside from the occasional visit to an overpriced French bakery in the Village. I’m really going to commit and try to eat as many galettes as I can. Except for galette bretonnes, because those just look like sad dosas. But who am I kidding? Every dosa I make is a sad dosa.
- Befriend a sea turtle
I just finished watching season one of “The White Lotus,” and hands down the best part of that show is when Mark and Quinn finally go scuba diving and meet this super cute sea turtle. I have often tried to make friends with a turtle. I go to their parties, I sign up for their newsletters. Hell, I’ve even caught jellyfish for some leatherbacks to eat. But I always feel so different, so isolated. All they want is my jellyfish. As a post-grad, I want to form a life-changing friendship with a sea turtle. Something meaningful and true.
- Do a proper funeral for my dead goldfish
I never had any pets growing up because my dad is afraid of dogs and my mom thinks cats know what she’s thinking. However, when I was in ninth grade, my mom’s coworker threw a Halloween party during which she gave me a small goldfish. I immediately took a deep fondness for young Cheddar. Instead of doing my biology homework, I would self-study the wonders of nature by watching Cheddar swim around in his fishbowl for hours. I fantasized about what went on in his mind, whether he was happy or sad, whether he had big dreams of becoming a filmmaker like me. On the last day of school, I came home to find Cheddar dead at the bottom of his bowl. I cried deep tears for Cheddar and quickly buried him in my backyard. My sister always asks me why we never did anything for my young child. I want to honor Cheddar’s memory and throw one hell of a funeral for him. I would invite all of his closest friends from his old tank and reminisce about the good old times. Then we would get hyped to Cheddar’s favorite song, “Gold Digger” by Kanye West, featuring Jamie Foxx.
- Do what I love
And what I love to do is party, party, party.
So farewell, dear readers. Miss Likki will try to update you as much as she can on the progress she makes on the aforementioned goals and dreams. Here’s hoping we meet again in the near future! Good night, Vassar, and take care.