On Wednesday, Sept. 10, security officials at Florida’s biggest amusement park capsized a Disney Jungle Cruise Ship after discovering that the five hour play-pass of 11-year-old passenger Bobby Carpenter had expired.
This marks the second time that a maritime affair has made national headlines over the past two weeks. Last Tuesday, the United States nuked a Venezuelan cargo ship that they alleged was shipping illegal drugs. No evidence supporting the claim has been provided to this point.
“The perpetrator bought his pass at 9:02 a.m. today. Over five hours later, at 2:13 p.m., he crossed through the Magic Kingdom and boarded the Jungle Cruise,” Head of Operations Joe Lampert explained. “When a visitor stays after their pass has expired, we have no way of knowing who is in the park. Our hometown demographic has made it clear that they are threatened by children who are here illegally.”
“After a six-hour-long operation, we are proud to announce that we have eliminated the threat. Bobby is now in the Timeout Zone.” Lampert continued. “I would like to thank the dozens of security personnel that put their lives at risk today.”
Minutes after Lampert concluded his briefing, Governor Ron DeSantis arrived at the scene. The politically-savvy governor, who is suspected of wearing height-boosters to stand six feet tall, saw an opportunity to flip one of his perceived weaknesses into an advantage. Slipping off his boots, he was able to clear the 5’5’’ maximum height restriction for the ride and take his press conference from another Jungle Boat.
One topic that Desantis covered was how to discipline the perpetrator. Last week, Florida became the first state to eliminate vaccine mandates. One punishment the governor raised was to put Bobby’s name on a list of people required to get the measles vaccine. Critics, including U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert John F. Kennedy Jr., have since called this idea “unbelievably cruel,” and have instead suggested jail time. Bobby’s family, on the other hand, is said to likely appeal, requesting that Bobby receive the flu and COVID-19 vaccines as a punishment as well, which would save them a trip to the doctor’s office.
Despite decrying illegal pre-adolescents, DeSantis praised the overall safety of the park. ”People bash authoritarianism and the right to carry, but those two things have kept crime low here,” he said, gesturing to the Storm Troopers roaming Star Wars World on his right. When asked by confused reporters if those comments were a joke, DeSantis called “Star Wars” the “greatest docu-series ever made.”
At 6 p.m., an hour before Disney World closed, the Governor revealed that he had “confidential and urgent business to attend at the Dumbo the Flying Elephant ride” across the park.