Aries
You might meet someone with the last name Burbank this week, like Truman Burbank of “The Truman Show.” Kind of a weird name in my opinion. It’s like if a bank was cold. Also, you have to duel them to the death. Sorry! Out of my hands :(
Taurus
Ugh, this is such a bummer thing to have to tell you, but a little creature is going to steal all your shoes this week. That’s right, a little ghoulie is going to steal your feet houses like in that one “Harry Potter” movie. You can try to hide them but you will fail.
Gemini
You’re going to have the best week! It’s literally going to be SO “Gilmore Girls.” That’s right, a 12-year-old girl is about to approach you and steal a sample of your hair to determine whether you’re her biological father!
Cancer
The summer you turned pretty? I think that next summer is going to be the summer you lose all your hair. Not from male pattern baldness or a disease or anything… from something different. Maybe you’ll get a Netflix show!
Leo
DO NOT even DARE to throw four parties this week with the intent of flirting with only one person. Who are you, Ted Mosby from my favorite show “How I Met Your Mother?” Everyone knows three parties is the absolute max one should throw to get someone to fall in love with them.
Virgo
You may poop your pants this week, you may not, there’s no way to know. Don’t tell anyone if you do. That’s the kind of gross, disgusting, totally fucked up shit that you can’t even find in films or television shows.
Libra
You’re gonna trick not one, but TWO cops this week with your fake ID! I mean, I’m completely shocked to be honest. What the fuck do you mean it was between that or Mohammed???
Scorpio
You’re going to get a great internship this semester! Well, great for your resume. Between you and I though, your boss may be evil Meryl Streep and demand you get her twin daughters a copy of a highly anticipated, not yet released children’s fantasy novel. Kind of reminds me of something I watched one time…
Sagittarius
Kind of getting the vibe that your week is going to be like that show “Yellowjackets.” CANNIBALISM? No, don’t be gross, you little weirdo. You’re going to join a soccer team!
Capricorn
I see you starting some kind of a recreational sports league on campus this week. Something we don’t have yet, like women’s baseball. Rumor has it that your team will be in a total league of its own.
Aquarius
Don’t let anyone punk you into joining a polygamist marriage this week. Have you even seen the show “Sister Wives,” you idiot??? Eventually your family’s Robyn will come, your husband will stop having sex with you and you’ll have to join an mlm.
Pisces
Careful where you go this week. I heard a rumor that someone is trying to lure you onto the set of a show and then they’re going to lock you in there to try and live out a sort of Truman Show-esque fantasy. I’m sure you’ll be great on TV!