Rejoice, class of ’29! I, Wren Buehler, Assistant Humor Editor of The Miscellany News and aspiring advice columnist, have taken it upon myself to teach you that which I have learned as a freshman, so that you might not make the mistakes of yesteryear. Without further ado, here are the most important tips for Freshman Fall, divided by subject area for your convenience.
Personal and Relationship.
- Hook up with your roommate. Feeling lonely? Good news—there are situationships everywhere, for those with the eyes to see them. You and your roommate already know you have lots in common, so why not make things easier for both of you and make out already? You won’t even have to sexile anyone.
- Find your people. Since you’re at Vassar, you were a freak in high school (and if you weren’t, you should already be working on a transfer application). That means that college is your time to come out of your shell. Fast. If you don’t have eight best friends, one or more partners and a potential godmother to your firstborn by the end of September, you’re falling behind.
- Try hard drugs. College is a great time to start drinking. Or smoking weed, if you’re lame. Or smoking cigarettes, if you’re an English or Art History major and also lame. But why stop there? I tried heroin, cocaine and meth before Halloweekend last year. In fact, I’m on at least eight unlabeled pills as I’m writing thiiiiiiiiiii,; &
- Ijoijijj
- as I’m writing this, and I’m barely experiencing any side effects!
Orgs and Extracurriculars.
- Know your stereotypes. I believe it was Sun Tzu who said, “All friendship is based on being a huge bitch.” If you want to fit in with your new friends, you’d better know what every org on campus gets mocked for. Most of this information will come with time, but to start you off, always remember: The NSO are a bunch of weirdos, The Misc are self-important and pretentious and the Fireflies straight-up kill and eat people.
- Avoid the wrong type of extracurriculars. The best way to branch out in college is to maintain ironic detachment from anything that might be a source of weakness, and org participation is one of the biggest stumbling blocks. By the end of the semester, when your hallmates have made dork-ass friends that will last them years, you can feel superior knowing that you don’t hang out with the type of people who organize board game nights.
- Kiss ass and you’ll get a research position in no time. Some professors are a bit more hesitant to hire freshmen for some reason. In the case of a stubborn professor, simply eat papers off of their desk until they are forced to acquiesce to your demands.
Academics.
- Never study. Need I explain more? College exams test your innate intelligence, and studying can’t fix that. If you’re struggling in class, that’s a good sign that you’re dumb, and you should probably switch to being a biology major. Speaking of…
- Figure out your major, fast. You may feel behind if you don’t already know your field of study. But don’t worry—many students don’t know their major until two or three weeks into their first semester. Consider biology if you can’t read, environmental studies if bio still sounds too hard for you, or drama if you hate money and stable employment.
Other.
- Know your campus slang. You may be confused by the way non-freshmen speak. Words like “Deece” and “Nircle” should be second nature, but some may still be confusing. Try to learn the definition of the following campus slang by the end of the semester: Dasement, Rocky, Hitting the Grunt, Smoking Ape and Slurm.
- Know your President. President Peanut Butter Bradley is an important figure on campus, and she’s worth knowing about. All about. PB was a bob model for several years before becoming a public health expert and then a glorified babysitter. Nowadays, she’s known for her emails and her mastery of snake style kung fu.
Drink the ice cream scoop water at the Deece. Do it.