Aries
An acorn is going to fall right on your head this week. It may concuss you, it may not, who am I to say, really? What I do know is you’re going to have to fight the acorn. Godspeed.
Taurus
You should enjoy the weather this week by planning a perfect fall day. Wear a cute sweater, eat 27 leaves of various colors, go apple picking, throw up 27 leaves of various colors.
Gemini
Have you seen all the skunks around campus recently? Word on the street is they’re plotting to get you personally, and they’re very organized. I would stock up on tomato soup this week if I were you.
Cancer
Classes can be hard, but you know what’s harder? Slither.io. Future employers will be much more impressed with a honed Slither.io game than a high GPA. Forget homework, remember Slither.io.
Leo
Someone has been planning to wash you in a washing machine for years, and now that it’s free, they’re about to strike. I’ve always wanted to be machine-washed, personally. Tell me how it is!
Virgo
It’s time to stop drinking wine during class. Not nearly strong enough. Start filling up your “Fearlessly Consequential” insulated mug with a margarita, or, ideally, straight tequila.
Libra
Vassar needs you to help get rid of the damn water chestnuts. You’re our only hope. Might I suggest starting a business selling lingerie woven out of the plants? #sidehustle #bossbabe
Scorpio
You should absolutely not study abroad next year. I mean, first of all, that’s not really a nice way to refer to women anymore. Also, how long can you actually study one woman? Sounds pretty creepy to me. At least take her out to dinner first.
Sagittarius
You might see a cute bear this week. I’ve always thought it’s a lie that bears would attack you if you gave them a little cuddle. Do with that what you will.
Capricorn
You should take a road trip this week. There’s a Waffle House only two hours away in Scranton. Actually, don’t do that. I want to do that. I better not run into ANY Vassar Capricorns at the Scranton, Pennsylvania Waffle House this week. Plan your own road trip, you stupid copycat!
Aquarius
I drowned my Sims’ husband and child this week so she could start fresh with the woman she was having an affair with. She’s pretty happy now. Maybe you should try the same thing?
Pisces
You’re looking to do some good in the world this week. You should try to close the orgasm gap! Buy a vibrator and give it to the first woman you see—it may even be the cashier. She’ll be so grateful for your philanthropy!