Breaking News! Kamila Garcia, Class of ’26, is unable to determine what to do next with her life. Kamila is currently known for being the youngest and only person to ever win, while still an undergraduate, Nobel Prizes in Physics, Chemistry, Physiology and Literature. Afterwards, she decided to re-focus on her studies and composed a medical school application essay in the form of a spoken word poem backed by a self-composed orchestral arrangement that she herself played. Many have gone on record saying, “The symphony was the best they have ever heard.” One medical admissions counselor, Gabrielle Sarico, told The Miscellany News that it “drove [her] to tears with its beauty,” and that she “[doesn’t] know if [she] will ever hear anything as beautiful again.” Now, after having been admitted to every medical school in the country, as well as every law school (her law application essays cannot be described through language alone), Kamila feels very… full.
“Many of my friends always say ‘Kamila, Kamila, what are you going to do now?’ And honestly, I’m very happy, so there’s not much I want to do. There are so many people who never get to experience what I’ve experienced, and the ones that do certainly don’t at my age. I’m grateful that my parents are still alive. I call them every night…so many people don’t have that luxury. l feel like everyone here is so go go go, it’s terrible for our health. I know that’s a crazy thing for me of all people to say, but I think it’s still true. I wouldn’t have accomplished half as much as I have if I didn’t concentrate on only a few things. I only know four languages, I can’t sing and I’m terrible at talking to people. I’m lucky to have a dedicated agent who coaches me on how to talk to all these people, because I’d be hopeless otherwise. And let’s be honest, I have a lot of resources. How many others are there like me that don’t get to shine simply because society says they aren’t beautiful, or smart, or quick or strong enough? I’m not smart. I’m just capable.”
Kamila promptly commanded our transcriber’s pencil to stop writing, and it did. She then jumped 20 feet into the air onto a nearby streetlamp.
“You know where I learned how to do this? From an unhoused person on the streets of San Francisco. Do you know how unfair it is that someone who can jump four times their height can’t get a job, just because he got robbed of his house by the water company?”
Kamila then started monologuing, which our reporters were able to record by vigorously shaking the pencil awake.
“Thousands of families are dying, and I’m on television getting prizes. It’s not like I discovered the wheel, you know, and discovering new things only gets easier the further along you are in that discipline,” she said, jumping off of the street lamp and balancing herself on a nearby bush.
“I learned this trick from a starving child in Myanmar,” she said, displaying unparalleled grace while pulling up a hill from a single blade of grass, causing Taylor Hall’s bridge to become slightly lopsided. She then waved her hand, restoring the earth to normal.
“As I was saying, I don’t really know what else I want to do. I know there’s so many people I want to meet. I want to do so many things for people. Did you know that even if you can talk to people’s viruses and tell you to stop, they still won’t let you skip the MCAT? I got extra credit for it though, so that’s nice [Kamila is currently the only person in the world to have scored a 550 on the Medical College Admission Test]. There’s a nice guy in my dorm, he’s pretty cute. Oh! Did you know the majority of American students can’t name more than twenty countries in any continent, even on our own? I don’t think that’s a problem with Americans though. I think it’s an exposure problem. We’re so interconnected and yet so distant from one another.” Kamila’s eyes, which shone with a deep brown color, seemed to burn holes into our reporters’ papers.
In 2024, Kamila underwent testing for various neglected tropical diseases as a result of a relief trip to various war-torn countries. Researchers discovered that her genetic code contained no mutations, and that any deviations from her genetic code may in fact be a mutation.
After a few hours of talking with The Miscellany News staff, Kamila decided the interview was over. “I’m kind of tired of talking with you guys. There’s just no point, you know? I’ve already said everything I want to say.” Kamila then raised her hand and rotated her arm backwards, lowering the ambient temperature by about five degrees Celsius. “A very kind woman at this college taught me that. But you have to be quadruple-jointed like me and her to do it. And it only affects about a volume of 400 square meters.”
“But Kamila! Is there anything you wish you could do differently?” we asked, desperate for more time with the celebrity.
“I wish I had gone into climate activism sooner. But now nobody wants to listen about the climate. Or LLMs. Or war. Or the futility of gaining territory. Do you know how many board meetings I’ve attended? They say a lot in the war rooms, and not any of it would be more useful than if they all just talked to each other. But I doubt most of them would. They’re stupid like that. A lot of people are stupid. They think genetics, or what you did when you were a kid, or if you make money, define how important you are. Or that being important matters. A part of me wants me erased from the history books.” She paused, looking up to the sun, unflinching. It did seem to get a little darker. “That’s better,” she said.
She continued: “Hey! Everyone! No matter what you’ve heard, empathy is not a weakness! Remaining kind and composed is strength! Snapping back at someone is futile, and is failure! You must control yourself before you can help others! And do not seek to control, but to understand!” Kamila then stopped yelling, thankfully, because even our reporters’ ears were ringing, even though they were standing at the Deece.
“And honestly, I wish I could redo this interview…”
Breaking News! Kamila Garcia, Class of ’26, is unable to determine what to do next with her life. Kamila is currently known for being the youngest, and only person to ever win, while still an undergraduate, Nobel Prizes in Physics, Chemistry, Physiology and Literature.
“Nah. That’s okay. This’ll do as a wrap. And I think I know exactly what I want to do, now.”
With a flourish and fanfare, Kamila told us goodbye as she went to the Deece for dinner with her friends. Oh, and that guy, too