So, who wants to know what pea milk is? We did. To delve into the mysterious “Product In Transit” sign on the Deece’s newest machine, we sucked on the udder-of-truth to answer the questions students were asking.
Pea milk: noun. The Oxford English Dictionary describes the substance as a milky juice consisting of thickened pea protein and sunflower oil (sorry, RFK Jr.). When the Board of Trustees decided to indoctrinate students by imposing the new “milk” upon them, the College had a problem: “Where, oh where do we source this delicious, nutritious pea nectar?”
The answer came to administrators one late afternoon. When a man walked in—or rather, clogged in—for tea time at the President’s House, PB had an idea. From her intense squash training as a young girl, she remembered a unique side effect of excessive soy intake mixed with anti-depressants on her male teammates: lactation. No one would notice the difference between pea milk and breast milk, which notoriously taste the same. Both have notes of cardamom and rust. Fact-checkers from The Miscellany News confirmed.
To gather the milk, they needed to recruit a society of willing men. Born from necessity and curiosity, the “Performative Male Contest” was delivered via Caesarean.
Like hiding under a blanket playing a Nintendo DS when you should’ve been asleep, John Bradley downloaded Fizz. He kicked his little legs as he made anonymous posts about the event. Spreading throughout campus quicker than the posters sold in Express, the contest was a go. Men lined the auditorium with button-down shirts, barrel jeans and ear buds loosely hanging from embroidered pockets.
Everyone was eager to see who would win the 24K gold Labubu awarded for peak performativeness. During the quiet snaps of the audience, winners received a secret message clipped to their carabiners. Hidden inside those discreet tote bags were cassette tapes with a pre-recorded message. While enjoying a nice long cigarette in the Shakespeare Garden, the ASMR message echoed in their ears: “Hot new internships for Vassar students! Please inquire at Beige House. To enter, share a hot take on the ecofeminist zine culture of ’80s Wichita.”
Once inside Beige House’s hookah lounge, undercover Misc reporters mingled with fellow performative men by gurgling Clairo lyrics at the water cooler. Jimmy Kimmel, recently appointed as Dean of Milk and Milk‐aphone studies, propositioned the students for a unique job opportunity lactating for $15.51 an hour. It was an astounding increase of 1 cent over minimum wage. Hearing this news, the men declared in unison: “Fuck the binary. We accept.”
How does the Work Study position work? Groups of men volunteer to consume gallons of iced soy milk matchas contracted out to Brew baristas. Brew underling Fiona Pullman ’26 stated, “It’ll require a lot of soy, but we’ll do it for the lactose intolerant,” in response to her new role as designated matcha bloomer. Not just any soy, however, special soy.
Farmed from the backyard of notorious Albertan resident Tate McRae, the soy is raised to perform in competitive dance and whisper salacious lyrics into low quality studio microphones. These activities exercise the soy proteins to enhance flexibility in the breast tissue, encouraging milk to rush out like warm rain.
The soy is set to arrive on International Mushy Pea Day—then production can begin. The shipments will arrive in supply drops wrapped in poetry, nestled in messenger bags and hand‐delivered by bikes.
The men will dispatch their duties from the Philosophy Lounge in Rocky, some even daring to slackline outside while the elixir flows. They will begin their shift with a restorative circle. The check‐in question: How in community do you feel with Judith Butler today?
So they can produce under the stars, the shifts are set to start at 11 p.m. This will be quickly followed by a group discussion and free write on Sally Rooney. They then prepare the sacred record player. To decide who picks the record that plays during harvesting, workers will compete to see who can queerbait the most onlookers. The expected winning total is 72 people and three dogs.
The harvest will end with a hug circle and Weck Jars of “pea milk” promptly delivered to the Deece. To thank the men helping the College subvert Big Dairy, Jimmy Kimmel suggests a fart gun salute by lactose intolerant students, like the one seen in “Despicable Me 2.” Kimmel states, “Performative Male pea milk will bring light to a disordered cosmos, and quench the inquisitive throats of Deece goers. God bless our boys.”
Can’t wait for the peamilk! Great coverage, guys.