Much attention has been paid to the upcoming mayoral election in NYC, and for good reason. Still, as an advocate for local political involvement, I would be remiss not to bring attention to another equally contested race, far closer to home—the 2025 election for Mayor of the Woods. We spoke to would-be-Mayor Bigfoot about his policies, personal life and the unique struggles of independent candidacy.
The Misc: Let’s get right into it. A year ago, you were so reclusive that most assumed you didn’t exist. Now you’re running for Mayor of the Woods, complete with canvassers, ad campaigns and a billboard that appears to have been painted with berry juices and clay. What changed?
Bigfoot: Bigfoot feel that Bigfoot and Woods constituency no longer represented by either party. Democrats for progress, but Bigfoot like old ways. Republicans like old ways, but also like color red, which scare and confuse Bigfoot. Bigfoot decide someone need represent common sasquatch, and if no one else going to do it, Bigfoot will.
The Misc: What issue do you think is the most pressing right now?
Bigfoot: Easy. Bigfoot say environmental issues. Overfishing threaten delicious salmon. Cops fence off Bigfoot favorite water-hole. Logging run rampant, removing valuable habitat. Just yesterday, lumberjacks cut down Bigfoot house.
The Misc: And climate change?
Bigfoot: Obviously it important, but Bigfoot not like think about it. Climate change cause fire, and Bigfoot… Bigfoot not like… Bigfoot very scared of fire, okay?
The Misc: Forget I said anything. You’ve talked a lot about how these issues are important to you personally, Bigfoot, but could you elaborate on why you feel best-equipped to represent the constituency of the woods?
Bigfoot: Bigfoot only candidate who can speak to them.
The Misc: That’s a little presumptuous.
Bigfoot: Bigfoot not being metaphorical. Bigfoot only candidate that know language of birds, raccoons, deer. Even speak a bit of coyote. Bigfoot opponents categorically unable to understand needs of whole voting blocs.
The Misc: Ooh, ‘categorically!’ Nice vocabulary, Bigfoot.
Bigfoot: No patronize Bigfoot.
The Misc: …Sorry. I should ask, though: Several of your opponents, including Jason Smith and Llewerlyn, the Elven Princess of Autumn, have cast doubt on your ability to communicate effectively, given your… struggles with English as a second language.
Bigfoot: Bigfoot disgusted by this rhetoric. Bigfoot not want dignify it with response. Bigfoot say only this: I could use personal pronouns if I wanted to, but you can’t break boulders in half with your hands, can you, Jason? Meditate on that.
The Misc: Compelling stuff. Anyway, I’m gonna rapid-fire a few issues, and I wanna hear your stance. City planning?
Bigfoot: Bigfoot fear cars. Cars too loud. Cars too fast. Bigfoot support walkable cities. Also stompable cities. Sneakable cities.
The Misc: Wildlife conservation?
Bigfoot: Bigfoot want be on endangered species list. Dating so hard nowadays, but Bigfoot think a concerted breeding program might help Bigfoot find the one.
The Misc: The LGBTQ+ community?
Bigfoot: Bigfoot not really get it, but Bigfoot support anyone who like bears and otters. Bigfoot also want apologize for getting scared by lesbian couple. It not about who you love, it just that flannel remind Bigfoot of lumberjack.
The Misc: Wow. If only we could all be so tolerant. Thank you for your time, Bigfoot.