The Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigations (FBI), Kash Patel, held a press conference in Utah on Wednesday to address concerns about his response to the assassination of Charlie Kirk. Patel was selected to lead the nation’s top investigation agency in February, despite having little experience in the field. Previously, he was a staunch supporter of the president, even penning a children’s book attacking Trump’s enemies titled “The Plot Against the King.”
“Today, I am excited to end weeks of speculation once and for all. I pinky promise, cross my heart and hope to die, that we conducted our investigation with the utmost professionalism,” Patel said. Sources close to Patel have revealed to The Misc that he regularly issues pinky swears to government officials, and he has been known to break them.
Almost immediately, a reporter asked Patel about the status of the Epstein files. “I am sorry to say that we currently cannot release any of the Epstein files.” Patel said “I will be releasing something in the coming months: my new children’s book, The Noble Investigator.”
Kirk’s assassination has raised questions nationwide about how the FBI can ensure future high-profile events have adequate security. This very discussion is what the agency will focus on in the coming months, Patel said. “We need to make sure that our country’s biggest events are completely safe. These include presidential rallies, political conferences and my eventual book signing.”
Much of the press conference was spent addressing text messages released to the public last week that were allegedly sent by the killer, Tyler Robinson. The messages caused suspicion for including words such as “vehicle” and “retrieve,” language many thought was overly formal for a member of Generation Z. At one point, Patel said it was time for a “youth expert,” whom he regularly consulted with about his own writing, to give a quick testimonial. “Through my fieldwork, I can attest that this language is very normal for a member of Generation Z,” former Florida representative Matt Gaetz shared.
Patel returned to the podium to reveal additional text messages that he called “groundbreaking.” One such text wrote, “I know I will be caught soon, for Kash Patel is so smart.” Another wrote, “If I had committed this crime under the Biden Administration, they never would have caught me.” A third wrote, “Kash Patel is the Eric Carle of the 21st century.”
Although it was scheduled for 2 p.m., Patel did not arrive at the press conference until after 4 p.m. He was quick to give an explanation. “I am sorry for the delay. At 1 p.m., I ate through one apple, but was still hungry. At 2 p.m., I ate through two pears, but I was still hungry. At 3 p.m., I ate through three plums, but I was still hungry,” the very hungry FBI director said.
Reports have indicated that Patel’s popularity in the White House has plummeted. One candidate being eyed as Patel’s potential successor is New York Republican Representative Elise Stefanik. Although most of her ideology aligns with MAGA, she has a past as a climate activist that some theorize would make her incompatible with the administration. As Patel explained, “I am not worried about Stefanik replacing me. She speaks for the trees more than Trump would please. Treat me with care, treat me with ease. I am the fine-something-that-all-people-need.”
When giving a speech that commemorated Kirk two days after his killing, Patel made a comment many viewed as insensitive when he said, “See you in Valhalla.” As the press conference came to an end, and Patel was about to leave, he looked straight into the camera. “All I want is for this to end happily ever after. Mr. President, I will see you in Wonderland.”