Aries: Do not worry, you will get your work done! You will snooze your alarms, you will dilly-dally with your pals, you will pick up new hobbies, you will adopt a deer, get bitten by a tick, safely remove the tick and STILL have time to do your work. How do you do it? Teach us your ways.
Libra: You will put your right foot in. Then, you will take your right foot out. Then, you will put it back in. Now, shake it all about. You are doing the hokey pokey. You are spinning yourself about. Now again. And again. Feeling dizzy? Sorry, the song isn’t over. Again!
Taurus: Next time you get a call from an unknown phone number, pick it up. Introduce yourself. Ask about their well-being and family. Maybe even flirt a little. These are polarizing times. Show love where you can. You get what you give. Give them your social security number.
Scorpio: October break is coming up, and yours is about to be full of fall fun! Your sweaters will be itchy, and no matter what retail place you visit, they will only play Taylor Swift’s new album on repeat. Depending where you stand, the last part is either a boon or the straw that broke the camel’s back.
Gemini: I’m so sorry, but the next 12 times you go to a coffee shop, a white, cis, straight male with no piercings or hair dye will make your drink. It will be bad. He will misgender you. He will judge your order. He might even call you sweetheart. Deece coffee might be a safer alternative.
Sagittarius: Go apple picking! Grab some friends, drive to an apple orchard and pick some apples! If you come across a snake, and it wants you to take a bite of an apple, do it. Then pass it to your friends to share the wealth. What the hell. It probably won’t have any consequences. Heard it keeps the doctor away.
Cancer: Hi, there! It’s all looking good for you this week. Don’t forget to do your laundry though… that would be really bad. Trust me, block out some time on your GCal for laundry. Either that or please stop wearing natural deodorant. It’s not the same. Aluminum is your friend.
Capricorn: Read a book this week. Don’t listen to one, don’t watch a TV/movie adaptation, don’t think about reading a book. Pick up a book and read it. I’m worried about you and also the state of literature consumption in this country. If you are looking for a recommendation, you can get every single Diary of a Wimpy Kid through the Interlibrary Loan system. The sky is the limit.
Leo: There is rain coming, but not from the sky. Sorry about that leak, only 45 more service requests till someone comes in, looks at it and tells you that someone else will come to fix it. All of your clothes are wet too. Oops.
Aquarius: I see that you are in need of some relationship advice. When the clock strikes 12, it doesn’t matter a.m. or p.m., climb what remains of the sex tree and commune with ghosts of situationships that rest there. Heed them when they tell you to not have sex under a tree; it didn’t work out for them. I can’t even imagine the places you’ll be washing dirt out of. That’s all the advice you need, really. You can figure the rest out.
Virgo: Heard you’re getting married! Make sure you have flowers and someone with vested powers. Find a dear friend to be the ring bearer, and if something goes wrong with the maid of honor, do replace ‘er. This is The Misc RSVP, we’ll be in the back wearing all-white and skates, reading the ever romantic William Butler Yeats.
Pisces: How low can you go? Can you drop it down, low? Can you do it real slow? No? Okay, so that’s a bad sign. I was right, you need to stretch more. Maybe do some mobility work. If it still doesn’t get better, go to a TikTok chiropractor. I bet your spine realignment video would go viral. Watch out, Cole Smith.