Local government official Great Satan Lucifer J. Morningstar told reporters on Tuesday that he is “frankly, bored to death of this new-age bullshit,” and longs for the “good old days of infernal torture.” Taking a somber drag off a cigarette, he continued, “I mean, fuck, this job used to be all about the artistry. But now, it’s quantity over quality.”
“See,” Satan explained, “everybody’s going to hell nowadays. If it’s not shellfish, it’s mixed fabric. And if it’s not that, it’s gay thoughts. They’re not kidding when they say everyone’s a little bisexual.” Scratching his chin absentmindedly with his pitchfork, he carried on, “Used to be, everyone got their own personalized torment. Nowadays, we just triage by most practiced sin and torture them in batches.”
Satan asked Misc reporters, “You ever hear about the goof a couple years back? Whipgate, they called it? Yeah, with the masochist who got sent to the Dismal Pit of Whipping rather than the Dungeon of Boredom? That’s what happens when you do this shit bureaucratically. Back when it was just me running this place, we never had that kind of fuck-up.”
Satan, having finished his cigarette, swallowed the butt. “‘Course, all this is really because the big guy upstairs cut our funding. Said we could just make do with a lake of fire. Yeah, sure, I could, but then what the fuck am I doing with my acting degree, huh? What an asshole.”
He chuckled awkwardly, and continued, “I mean, but really, though, what a dick. Have you seen the shit that he lets you guys get away with? He won’t finance replacement blades for our Visceral Blender, and every time the Testicular Annihilator goes off wonky we get a talking-to, and yet he refuses to so much as smite a single mortal, let alone rain down pillars of flame!”
When asked what he was going to do about it, Satan announced that he would be taking some “me time.” “I’ve been saving the festering soul of Henry Kissinger for a rainy day, and I think I deserve some self-care. I’m gonna take a few weeks off to tinker with the finer details of the new Infinite Carpet Bombing Agony Machine. After that? Who knows.”