After announcing their agreement to be acquired by Saudi Arabia’s sovereign wealth fund and Jared Kushner’s Affinity Partners, gaming industry giant Electronic Arts (EA) has experienced a shocking 13 percent dip in sales for Q2. Some of the most famous members of “The Sims 4” Creator Network have left since the deal was announced, citing their moral qualms with the Saudi Arabian government and Jared Kushner (Donald Trump’s son-in-law). These creators represent a major source of advertisement for the company. Each time “The Sims 4” releases new DLC content, members of the creator network release a barrage of content encouraging their millions of followers to cough up upwards of forty dollars to access exciting and critical features such as vacuuming, acne and having sex in the open ocean!
EA has been scrambling for ideas to help them recoup the cost of having the moral backbone of a chocolate éclair. One such effort has come in the form of a brand new expansion pack: The Sims 4: Discover Vassar. A most natural sequel to “The Sims 4: Discover University,” “The Sims 4”: Discover Vassar (TS4DV) will add all kinds of create-a-sim, build mode and gameplay features. Players can immerse themselves in the world of Poughkeepsie, NY and become the Rich Horowitz they’ve always dreamed of as they select the perfect dorms for their gay son and thought daughter Sims to reside in.
Before move-in day, players can get their Sims ready with a plethora of new create-a-sim options! There’s no shortage of clogs and messenger bags to force upon your digital friends. In an interview with The Miscellany News, a spokesperson for EA advised us that players can get ready for more options than ever before. “Oh yeah, it’s gonna be great. At least six different haircuts: wolf cuts, micro bangs, fuck-ass bobs, all available in blue of course. Countless woke pronoun pins. I mean, I don’t even recognize these pronouns, that’s how woke we still are. Every stupi… I mean, every super fun lefty out there should know, EA still cares about your pronouns! There’s nothing to worry about, just buy the game!” Players should also be prepared for some more unusual items for their Sims to don, including but not limited to books of feminist literature to be held as accessories, matcha lattes that your Sim doesn’t really like drinking and a poor quality fake ID that your Sims can try their luck with at the new My Market rabbit hole lot!
Get ready for more than just playing dress-up! TS4DV adds in every build/buy mode item that a Simmer could ask for! Deck out your coffin single with piles of untouched textbooks and fairy lights that will fall on your Sim in the middle of the night. A huge amount of new clutter items have been made as well. No longer will players have to suffer without Deece plates, bowls and mugs to scatter around their Sims’ dorms, or leave any surfaces free from complimentary banana flavored dental dams. Every single bookshelf comes with an untouched copy of your Sims’ class required reading (the Sims adamantly insist that one day they will read The Disordered Cosmos and they feel weird getting rid of it, there’s nothing you can do).
So what are your Sims supposed to do all day anyway? Never fear, there’s no shortage of activities! Your Sims can have fun with one of the hundreds of new interactions being added to the game. Worried your Sim is getting too tired? Have them pretend to be sick so they don’t have to go to the three acapella concerts, five student theatre productions, one improv show and two sex-positive strip bingo events taking place over one weekend that they promised people they would go to. They’ll experience an orgasmic feeling of relief followed by a crushing guilt six hours later for being a bad friend and not getting anything productive done during their rest time. Sims fighting with each other? No longer do you need to drown one of them! Sims can participate in a restorative circle to restore relationships hosted by the new non-player character (NPC), Dean Louis! If your Sim is getting desperate to eat outside of the Deece (too many days in a row of soda-braised pork will cause a negative moodlet) they are always welcome to attend dinner at President and Brohn Jadley’s on-campus house. These dinners let Sims meet people who they want to network with but who have a secret weird side, like Bella Goth or self-centered non-profit directors! Sim looking to get out of the Vassar bubble altogether? Too bad! Once you start playing The Sims 4: Discover Vassar, your Sim is stuck at Vassar until they can convince their father that getting a degree in Women, Feminist, and Queer Studies isn’t useless or a waste of money. Finally, the element of challenge that players have long complained is lacking from the Sims 4!
The Misc was lucky enough to be made privy to one final special feature, and NDA be damned, we’re going to share it with our beloved readers! If your Sims spend enough hours daydreaming that a genocide isn’t currently happening (another new feature coming with the pack), they unlock the ability to stop getting a “disgusted” moodlet when they see Vassar administrators allowing members of the United States military to research quantum computing on campus. How cool! Of this feature, Jared Kushner told The Misc: “We literally cannot see a world where people don’t think we’re super woke and awesome after releasing this pack. I mean, even I think that quantum computer thing was crazy for Vassar. I think we’ll have Q3 in the bag with this one.”
Will TS4DV be the golden goose EA has been searching for? There’s no way to know. Well, I guess eventually we will know. For now though, all we know for certain is that they don’t know and we don’t know but when we know we will let you know. Sul sul!