Aries: Heart attack at a CPR class because you get so anxious that your mannequin is gonna die and the instructor is hovering over your shoulder. Everyone thinks you’re faking the heart attack.
Taurus: Trying to smuggle a Bath & Body Works body spray in your butthole through TSA but it explodes and fills your bloodstream with Winter Candy Apple.
Gemini: Invite an enemy for milkshakes but put poison whipped cream on theirs. They insist you drink it because you love whipped cream and you die realizing they loved you all along.
Cancer: Get bit by a bat but don’t go to the hospital because you don’t want to tell them it happened while you were trying to teach a bat to fetch your vape. #rabies
Leo: Delete Instagram and feel better than everyone for walking with your head up, but you miss an open manhole and fall right in. Should’ve been looking down at Instagram!
Virgo: Agree to a Red Lobster date and neglect to mention your shellfish allergy because the other person is the only person you’ve ever met who’s into Great British Baking Show roleplay.
Libra: Play senior assassin and get squirted in the eye with a water gun so you rub your eyes to get the water out but oops! You had instant death disease on your hands and forgot to wash them.
Scorpio: Chug an entire bottle of Pink Whitney and fall into a shallow puddle, then drown because you’re way too drunk to roll over or to realize you’re face down in a shallow puddle.
Sagittarius: Pee in a toilet at the same time as five of your friends but miss the bowl. Run away so you don’t have to clean it up but forget to look both ways and get run over by PB on skates.
Capricorn: Get appendicitis but don’t tell anyone or go to the hospital because the last time you thought you had appendicitis you were just gassy and it was really embarrassing.
Aquarius: Get an anvil dropped on your head. Where are you walking where there’s an anvil being kept above your head???
Pisces: Fall into a pool with no ladder but you’ve been hypnotized to believe you are a “Sims 2” character, and therefore cannot get out of the pool without a ladder.