It’s that time of year when ambitious students want to make their mark on campus: fall! Before the oncoming encroach of winter break bribes them into docility with the promise of a month off, bright-eyed Brewers continue to dream of gathering up all their friends in Rocky (or even Olmsted) to talk about god-knows-what for two hours, and then being able to wax about it in their grad school essays.
Recently, however, the College has begun to crack down on some superfluous clubs. They claim that with rising tension in the U.S.A thanks to the recent inauguration of Kamila Garcia—recently acknowledged as the “World’s Perfect Person,” and a candidate for the next Pope—as the 48th President, it’s high time for more rigorous standards on what can be an “Official Organization.” At least, that’s what they say. Operatives within The Miscellany News who were able to sneak into Freshmen Orientation Week and report back with their GPAs intact have other theories. While we’ve had suspicions since the beginning of the semester, it’s only now, after fall break, that the evidence has become so great we feel there’s no way we can be wrong.
On Sept. 4 at 10:00 p.m., a procession of robed figures were seen ambling their way (in true Vassar fashion, with their headphones on and staring at the side-walk) to the President’s House, where they each deposited their headphones and robes in marked boxes before entering. While we could not identify these figures, the large sign-post outside of the President’s House with the message “9/4 Board of Trustees meeting HERE at 10:00 p.m.” provides a clue to their identity. This meeting was not announced to the VSA President or the Faculty Observer.
Shortly after the last figure entered, black smoke began to appear above the President’s House and formed into a glowing black orb, emitting dark smoke with white, tendril-like tips. After five minutes of pulsing and growing (while the sounds of ominous chanting could be heard), the Orb became red and fiery-tipped, before flying around Main House, drenching the building with fire. At this point, our operatives at a distance could not report anything of use, being blinded by the Orb, but we were able to glean very useful information from Fizz posts:
“CRUSH: That weird black fiery orb outside my window,” said one Fizz post, with several other comments admitting that while they did not appreciate being woken up in the middle of the night to listen to the arcane secrets of the universe, they appreciated the warm and seemingly romantic comforts of the Orb as it bathed them in flame and elevated their minds to a higher consciousness.
“While I am incredibly sick and tired of having to hear about this new Book Club, or Synologic Sorcerers, I forget its name, I would never send a 40-meter-in-diameter ball of blazing fire after VSA students to punish them with nightmares about their deepest anxieties to prevent it. I don’t think I even know how to do that,” said President Bradley during a recent tea hour with a Misc reporter. When asked about a book (shoved rather hastily into her bookshelf) titled “How to Summon Nightmarish Orbs to Torment College Students,” the President denied any awareness of the book, before offering a drink to the student from a bottle labeled “Forgetting Juice.”
“It’s not like I have anything against the VSA, but we really need to get those Organizations under control. So I’m not really against the black fire Orb, all things in consideration. Sometimes things like these are a necessary evil. And it’s not like anyone was really hurt. I’m sure we—I mean, the people who created that thing—certainly wouldn’t let it stay around for more than a few days or so.” When asked about the headphones and cult-like robe she was wearing, the President declined to comment. Our final piece of evidence for the case lies in a strange deal the President made near the end of this meeting: a guaranteed 4.0 GPA in return for the student’s silence on this matter, which was only broken after we promised to include that the student in no way believes that the appearance of the orb has anything to do with the VSA or the Board of Trustees, nor their sudden lack of attendance in any of their classes. However, it may be important to note that all attempts of VSA members to personally talk to the President or any Trustee have caused the Orb to turn its red-black gaze upon them, inundating their soul with the nonexistent fire of the void between worlds before returning them to their incinerated dormitories, in an effect commonly compared to if radio silence was conceptually inverted and then submerged, along with one’s mind, to the bottom of the Challenger Deep. In light of this terrifying analogy, and because the evidence clearly indicates the Board has nothing to do with the sudden appearance of the ominous, all-consuming Sentient Living Orb of Frostbitten Black Fire looming over my shoulder, we at The Miscellany News officially declare it closed.