Aries: Can you give it a rest with the whole shellfish allergy thing? “Oh, sorry, I can’t do sushi Wednesday, I have a shellfish allergy.” This is why you don’t have friends. Grow up!
Taurus: Shhh, little baby, listen closely. It’s gonna be ok. Next time they have ciabatta at the Deece, cut it open and butter it. Shhh, just sprinkle it with garlic powder. Put it butter side down in the panini press. Garlic bread. It’s all gonna be ok, baby.
Gemini: This week you’re going to face a ton of pressure to enjoy tuna sandwiches. I’m so sorry you’re facing this. I think that if someone invites you to grab lunch, respond with “NO, NO TUNA FOR ME DEAREST, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.” Then they’ll know you WON’T be doing tuna lunch.
Cancer: I think you should put yourself out there more this week. Start a radio show that you record outside the Retreat. Interview people waiting in line for chicken nuggets. Why nuggets? Where nuggets? When nuggets? Figure it out, I’m no radio presenter.
Leo: Maybe spend 24 hours in the Deece this week. Your life seems SO boring and sleeping on the grill would be such a rush. Like, will they notice you? Will you be grilled? Will you be paired with a lovely dipping sauce? Much to consider…
Virgo: It’s so cold and rainy outside. On your walk to the Deece, if you see anyone carrying a jacket or sweater, snatch it right out of their hands and put it on. You should look like those people doing the 100 layers of sweater challenge by the time you arrive.
Libra: If you go to Tasty Tuesday this week, you’re going to humiliate yourself. Like, you’re going to order without realizing you don’t have enough Arlington bucks, so your card will decline, and then you’ll drop your wallet on the ground, and you’ll spill your food all over trying to pick it up. Better luck next time.
Scorpio: Happy birthday to any Scorpios born this week! Gotta be the best week to be a Scorpio. How do I know? It’s nacho week at Street Eats! Well, it’s nacho week for those allowed to get Street Eats…oh, did you not know? Yeah, no more Street Eats for people who drink oat-nog. Yeah…sorry, it’s a higher up decision. Yikes…
Sagittarius: Maybe you should take more risks this week. You’re always playing it so safe. It’s why your mom calls you a loser on the phone every night. Stop calling her every night! Anyway, ask the guy at Oasis for a little more when he’s filling your bowl of quinoa et. al. 50/50 shot he adds a little more or puts poison quinoa in. Do it!
Capricorn: The tostada concept at Global this week will make you realize that you need to-stad-asking people out. No more longing looks from across the nonagonal table. Walk right up to them, get on both knees (Shane Dawson style), and ask them to join you at the other end of the nonagon. Swoon!
Aquarius: Watch out!!! You’re in danger! As you’re reading this, someone is sneaking huge amounts of star anise into your soup! Ah…too late. Well. I don’t know, maybe you’ll like it. Licorice is a controversial flavor, but your haircut is controversial too. Good luck, anise boy.
Pisces: You need to start asking people for what you want. No longer will you hover from afar, watching to see if that person sitting at a booth is leaving. Go take their empty plates away. Tell them it’s last call. Start vacuuming and sighing really loudly at them. Eventually you’ll convince them that the Deece is a restaurant and they’ve REALLY overstayed their welcome.