Aries: No more telling everyone “it’s going to snow tonight!” You’ve gotta stop edging your friends like that. A 15-minute flurry at 11:23 p.m. DOES NOT COUNT. Honestly. You’re embarrassing yourself.
Taurus: Your outfits have been too good lately. You need to pull back and leave a few surprises for after Thanksgiving. Everyone knows if you frontload all your good sweaters as soon as it gets cold, you’ll have nothing to dazzle with in early December! Take a look at Josie’s article for more helpful tips.
Gemini: Stop making fun of people who wear natural deodorant. Some people have severe allergies and some people get stinky oozing pustules on their armpit if they use regular deodorant, and some people think the Native deodorant works just fine and you’re being mean for no reason! I don’t know. So I’ve heard.
Cancer: Let the end of the government shutdown help you realize that you should’ve never shut down your recent relationship. HAVE SEX WITH YOUR EX. MAKE LOVE TO YOUR EX. GET TO SHAKIN’ THE SHEETS WITH YOUR EX.
Leo: Leo. The only three letter star sign. Here’s some other three letter things that would be good for you this week. Sea, axe, oil, rum, tea, owl. That’s right. You’re going to cut down a tree and build an oily ship out of it, then sail across the sea with only your rum, tea and pet owl for company. Fun!
Virgo: You can escape the crushing weight of responsibility. Just bring a spray bottle full of succulent bone broth to class and when your professor starts talking finals, spray it. Then, the class can ask for an extension next time since you all got so distracted searching for the source of that meaty aroma.
Libra: Parents pressing you too hard about your post-grad plans? Just pretend that liberal school brainwashed you into only being able to meow. Meow meow, meow? Meow meow! Meowww–MEOW–meow!!! #meowmeow #meow;meow (Meow [Meow {Meow}])
Scorpio: You’re so close to finding someone who wants to know you as intimately as Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande know each other. Well… not quite that intimate. That’s just asking for a lot, you know? You don’t really want that anyway. It’s just too much.
Sagittarius: It’s time to address your staring thing. You’re not doing it enough! You need to be looking at people for at least three minutes at a time. Don’t get embarrassed. Just keep looking. looking. looking. looking. looking.
Capricorn: Don’t like what’s for dinner this week? No need to go hungry. You should start a new dumpster diving pre-org! Grocery stores throw away so much good food. Just have an interest meeting, get everyone to perform a blood and/or spit sacrifice, submit it to the VSA and you should be able to eat again within 14-100 days. Yay!
Aquarius: Having trouble getting good rest lately? Try this cool new trick this week. In the dead of night, creep into the Bradleys’ house. Walk into their bedroom and when John is like “Hey man, how’s it going,” say “I had a bad dweam!” and they’ll let you cozy up right between them. Watch out though, I’ve heard Betsy is a kicker.
Pisces: You need more beads in your life. No, not in your wardrobe, IDIOT. Make sure one of your pockets is always full of beads. When you need to make a quick escape this week, scream BEAD ATTACK and scatter them. The foe you’re fleeing will fall flat on their fanny!