On Tuesday, Nov. 11, Associate Professor and Chair of Music Justin Patch emailed Vassar students notifying them that staff had recently discovered excrement on the floor of a practice room in Skinner Hall. Unsanitary facilities, in addition to a potential cover-up, have sparked outrage across campus and led to a call for the unconditional release of the Skinner Files, known colloquially as the Shitter Files.
A report The Misc obtained reveals that at around 10:00 p.m. on the night of Monday, Nov. 10, a CRC officer walking outside heard bellowing noises from inside of Skinner Hall. Assuming that the sound stemmed from the orchestra playing a brass concerto in the recital hall, he neglected to investigate. He has since been fired for gross negligence.
The excrement was discovered on Tuesday morning by facilities. Almost immediately, investigators were called to the scene to photograph, test and reenact the crime in an effort to grasp any potential clues.
President Bradley’s response to the crisis has caused extreme suspicion. When told in 1993 that his wife was found dead, O.J. Simpson famously responded by asking, “Who would have killed her?” President Bradley had a similarly incriminating response. Upon hearing that there was an urgent matter for her to attend in a practice room, she immediately replied, “Who would have shit there?”
Proponents of releasing the files believe it could expose shocking scandals. One prominent theory is that this was one of many rituals performed over multiple decades by elite Vassar alumni, including Meryl Streep and the late, great Anthony Bourdain.
It is completely possible that the culprit is less conspicuous. Multiple trusted sources have noted a possible tie to the preschool on the edge of campus. “The suspect could be a well-intentioned, potty-training individual, who misinterpreted what was supposed to be practiced in the room,” private investigator John Rock theorized. President Bradley has acknowledged this theory, but maintained that the defendant should be tried as an adult regardless.
President Bradley has since decided that the College will not conduct any more tests of the excrement, claiming that this is to protect the shitter’s identity. However, it is possible that this decision is to protect the school from results that would determine the act an uncontrollable result of food poisoning contracted from the Deece.
The event has surprisingly made national headlines. Mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani released a statement just yesterday: “The cost of housing and the Skinner Shitter are the two most pressing issues to those across the state. Both can be resolved with freezing. Doing so to the excrement will allow for future testing.” The Anti-Defamation League attacked the mayor-elect’s response, falsely claiming that he had failed to condemn the shitter.
This is not the first sanitary concern on campus this year. Recently, poor-tasting water prompted Vassar to test the drinking water for lead, which came back negative. Surprisingly, Director of Environmental Health and Safety Michael Lonon said this recent news was a relief: “It’s no longer a mystery why the water tasted that way.”
Campus-wide protests have left the administration with no other choice but to store the files and the stained rug in the most secure part of campus. They are currently being housed in the Francis Lehman Loeb Art Center, directly next to the Picassos.