Aries: You’ve been such a turkey this year! No more gobbling. Everyone is sick of the gobbling. It’s not cute…
Taurus: This week will be as sexy as someone who brings a fresh, delicious, some might say perfect radicchio salad with roasted squash and goat cheese and pomegranate and an orange maple vinaigrette to Thanksgiving that just adds so much needed acid and balance to the meal.
Gemini: You’re going to have a very stuffing week. It’ll get better when you’re not inside something else. Go outside!!!
Cancer: Don’t act like such a sweet potato casserole this week. You don’t need all those marshmallows! You’re sweet enough as is, take all those clothes off!
Leo: You know that feeling of melancholy that strikes when you realize you and your cousins might never spend another holiday all in the same house as you get older? Your week will be like that.
Virgo: Be like a ham at Thanksgiving this week! Unwanted, sort of out of place and glazeeeeed in sweet, sweeeet honey.
Libra: People should get high with their cousins on days besides Thanksgiving. You should get high with your cousins RIGHT NOW. I don’t have cousins, so tell me what it’s like!
Scorpio: The stars are really saying like “Scorpios are so green bean casserole and they’ll have a perfect week.” That’s probably because GBC is my favorite holiday dish and Scorpios are my favorite people.
Sagittarius: Gonna be a sort of burnt pumpkin pie week for you. Dry and disappointing, but salvageable with plenty of whipped cream!
Capricorn: Some people you’ve been surrounding yourself with have been acting like instant mashed potatoes! Set out this week to find some real potato friends. It may take more effort, but they’ll be so much tastier.
Aquarius: You know how people sometimes bring those midwestern cool whip salads to holiday dinners? And they look gross? They can actually be delicious. Something to ponder this week.
Pisces: Your week will be like a huge leftover sandwich. A giant mess without enough leftover gravy to moisten things up.