Thanksgiving Day has come and gone, and for many of us, our relatives have come and gone with it. Not everyone here comes from a leftist utopia. Many of us go home to towns full of racist, homophobic insane people preying on our downfall. I want to speak to you, my brethren. Those born into an NPR-listening household need not read on. The holidays present a practically perfect opportunity to release some pent up anger. There’s no shortage of ways to get people yelling at the dinner table. Yelling at old people is great, I get that! Still, as we enter winter break, I want to offer all of you black sheep a few more creative ways to stir the pot this holiday season.
Vassar Catalogue
A surefire way to chap your conservative relatives’ asses is to just start reading from the Vassar catalogue. “Oh dearest Uncle Larry, won’t you help me decide what the final class I register for next semester will be?” Your parents will be thrilled at the start of this seemingly innocent exchange. They will come to regret letting their guard down. A few classes that would upset any conservative relatives include WFQS 381: “How Queer is That?,” DRAM 225: “Design Detectives,” MEDS 265: “Modern Art and the Mass Media” and AMST 242: “Who Cares?” All these classes sound wonderful to our Vassar minds, but that schedule is what my extended family has nightmares about me taking, and I’m sure you can relate! Give the catalogue a read and try this out, you won’t be disappointed.
Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll!
If you want to cause some serious purse clutching, crank some Led Zeppelin and lean back in your chair with a joint in one hand and a rose toy in the other. Any one of these activities could be fine, depending on the flavor of conservative family you hail from, but the combination of all three really drives women haters wild. As a cherry on top, sitting unsafely in your chair will drive your mom crazy.
Pee
If all else fails, you can always piss yourself. I know you’ve got it in you, lugging around that big ass Owala. When your family just won’t listen any longer or your mom is about to yell at you for trying to explain the word “polycule” to your great uncle, whip out whatever you’ve got and let ‘er rip! Famously, people don’t like it when you pee on them.
If all else fails, you can always tell your family that you’re planning on declaring a Global 19th Century Studies major. Happy fight-idays!