Citing his own ethics, ex-Venezuelan President Nicholas Maduro refused on Wednesday to provide Trump with a step-by-step guide for how to rig an election modeled on the 2024 election in his home country, which independent queries determined was rigged.
“I can give you all the oil you want or fabricate intelligence about a drug smuggling operation for the press, but aiding in the destruction of the world’s greatest democracy would be going one step too far!” Maduro cried, as Secretary of State Marco Rubio slapped him across the face. “I can’t bear to go into any real detail, but to steal an election, you’d have to send armed thugs onto the streets, appoint loyalists to independent agencies and stack the Supreme Court—all of which worked extremely well in our measly autocracy but would be laughable in the Land of the Free.”
While many aides have described the torture as intentional, the accounts have been disputed. Several sources close to the state department have revealed that Maduro was only tortured after being mistaken for a Venezuelan who peacefully took photos at an ICE protest earlier in the day.
Maduro is currently being held in the Metropolitan Defense Center in Brooklyn, where his treatment includes sleep deprivation. Despite the abuse he’s faced, he revealed he’s enjoying his stay. “I’m in the greatest city in the greatest country in the world. What can I complain about?” the Venezuelan said to reporters. “I’m in the city that never sleeps.”
While Maduro has remained defiant about withholding crucial details to overthrow a democracy, he has reportedly warmed up to the Trump administration. According to sources, when Maduro first found out that he would be tortured, he entered a panic attack that lasted nearly two days, being so in shock that the United States would break international law.
Liz Cheney, a prominent Republican who campaigned with Kamala Harris in swing states more than even Harris’ vice-president, has called for unity. “I’m hoping this is a time for our country to come together,” she said. “As Americans, we must agree that torture is necessary treatment for evil. I know Pops is looking down at us with a proud smile.”
Trump has defended reports of torture, saying that he believes in it for the “worst of the worst.” When asked if he would like to extend this behavior towards anybody else, he said he had one person in mind: “Sleepy Joe Biden, for rigging the 2020 election.”
With the chances of getting intelligence out of Maduro waning, the Trump administration has already secured other avenues. At press time, the State Department announced they found a new chief advisor after successfully exhuming the corpse of Benito Mussolini.