As snowstorms, busy schedules, seasonal depression and the general state of affairs infect us all with their nasty vibes, the mood here on the Vassar College campus has been dropping as low as the temperature. Though the party scene has suffered due to the weather (or at least that’s what we’ve all decided to tell ourselves), Vassar administrators decided last weekend that a function is just what the student body needs to get us out of our freezing dorms and into the warm embrace of community. However, after receiving the advice from a random psychology major to “not invalidate our feelings,” they opted to avoid forcing a festive atmosphere on an unwilling crowd and ultimately chose a more fitting theme for the coldest weekend’s hottest event: Sad Night at the Mug.
The doors opened at a crisp 7 p.m. to allow students plenty of time to leave early and cry themselves to sleep, and from the very start the venue was packed. This was due to a mixup with a concurrent campus event involving music and dancing and general vibes of joy and whimsy, which the administration had no role in organizing.
Once the throngs of mistaken partygoers cleared out, a scattered crowd of the stressed and depressed were left to tolerate the festivities. The evening’s activities included a cry-dye station, where burned-out students could soak their paper assignments in pitiful tears; start of semester bingo, where contestants competed to be the first to cross off “evil professor,” “already slept through class” and “fucked over by CourseMatch;” and a “dance floor” where students could stare in existential dread at rave visuals of their calendars and upcoming Moodle assignments.
“This is kind of really bad,” commented one anonymous attendee. “I don’t know why I thought going to a sad-themed party would make me less sad, but I feel a lot worse now.”
“I thought when they said ‘Sad Night’ they meant they’d play, like, Clairo and Lana Del Rey,” said another irritated student, in the process of storming out the door. “This stuff is, like, actually depressing.”
A common complaint amongst the attendees was the absence of alcohol served at the function, paired with the invasive searches of bags, pockets and baggy jean folds conducted at the door to ensure no illicit substances entered the event.
“We want to teach our student body a valuable lesson about handling mental health crises without drugs or alcohol,” commented one of the administrators behind the decision. “Shit’s tough, but sometimes you just gotta raw-dog it.”
The highlight of the evening arrived at just past 9 p.m., when campus security was called in with an anonymous complaint that Sad Night was “endangering students’ well-being.” As security guards swarmed the premises, all seven of the remaining attendees were forced to return to their dorms. It has since been revealed that this stunt was part of the night’s schedule all along.
“It was a perfectly horrible way to end a perfectly horrible evening, moohooheeheeha!” commented event planner Stu D. Enthater, rubbing his hands together like an evil little fly. “I bet their whole semester was ruined! Mwaaahooheeheehahoo!”
“I was going to leave anyway, but getting kicked out just made me feel extra chud,” commented one student, who left the event to return to their dorm to hit cart and rewatch “Heated Rivalry.” They continued, “but I do admit my night got significantly better after I left.”
In the wake of Sad Night’s smashing failure, admin has announced plans for more unconventional events such as Hunger Wednesdays at the Deece, the Gruel Ball at the Aula and the Celibaccanal, a sex-free Dionysian romp through the Preserve. In response to the subsequent comments that the administration is completely out of touch with what students actually want, they released the following statement: “Why the hell would we take party advice from Vassar students? Throw a decent TH party and then we’ll talk, losers.”