Aries: So Valentine’s Day didn’t go as planned, who cares! Get ready for April Fools! I communed with The Council of Fools and they said it was YOUR day. You are the patron saint of April Fools this year.
Libra: You are going to hear back from any job you apply to on LinkedIn so don’t stop! Apply to work at Goldman Sachs! Or Blackrock! It doesn’t matter that you are a philosophy major… they want YOU. They probably could use a Socratic seminar on morality.
Taurus: Doc Martens aren’t snow shoes. And neither are your thrifted boots/loafers/mary janes.
You will eat shit in these icy times. Wear something with traction! Join a reformer pilates class, they’ll give you little grippy socks then you’ll have better luck with staying upright. Otherwise, I see an embarrassing slip in your future.
Scorpio: Introduce yourself to the person sitting next to you, a new friendship shall blossom! Maybe even a torrid love affair. Take a sweet treat to class with you, besides yourself of course! Your attendance will be 100 percent, and you’ll also have a new person to Deece with.
Gemini: You are at a major crossroads. And for advice, you should get drunk with some dear friends and then run to the bathroom to text your ex. They will block you and the embarrassment will help because no matter what you do, it can’t get worse than this.
Sagittarius: Pick up a Winter Olympic sport, like luging! The campus snow situation is ideal. Document the whole thing on TikTok or something. Fame and fortune will follow—along with millions of people. Hope to see you luging straight into Sunset Lake soon. I’ll take a 35 percent commission on all brand deals, thank you.
Cancer: It’s been rough for you, sorry. But have no fear! I sense a gooooooooood spring break in the works. Take a trip, eat new food, pray you don’t get food poisoning and dance. It’ll change your attitude and maybe even inspire you to change your hair. I’m seeing a mullet. Maybe even a baby blue buzz cut.
Capricorn: Stop dilly-dallying with your situationship and COMMIT. If you do, a fairytale-like love story is on the horizon. Go on a romantic five dollar açaÍ date at SoBol on Wednesday, hard launch your new boo and propose in the Shakespeare Garden.
Leo: A nemesis is about to have their downfall and you will be able to enjoy it. I’m talking about getting caught using ChatGPT for a Moodle post graded on completion. I’m talking about messing up the words to Hotel Room Service by Pitbull. Karma is your boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/platonic buddy.
Aquarius: I’m so over the grindset you’ve been in. Take a nap. Skip a class. Craft, maybe. Fake a tummy ache, get a health advisory. I’m so worried about you I can feel your cortisol levels from here. Love ya!
Virgo: I think you have a new beginning coming your way. Even if you’re nervous, take a leap of faithhhhh! I mean it. Push down those nerves. Compartmentalise those fears. Swallow the anxious throw-up. Future you will thank you. And me.
Pisces: Rihanna is a Pisces. Bad Bunny is a Pisces. Get ready, start stretching and doing some vocal runs because for the 2027 Super Bowl, you’re up. Go Sports and God Bless America!