Aries: Everyone needs to read the first “Boxcar Children” book at least once. It’s the only way to understand certain people. Why did we all want to be abandoned children keeping milk cool in a waterfall and caring for our little brother so badly? Something to chew on there…
Taurus: I think you should read “The Sweet Life in Paris” this week. There’s this really great chocolate cake recipe in it. Also, it’ll give you undeserved hope that you’ll find success after college even if you spend all your savings travelling around Europe first.
Gemini: Have you ever read “The Hobbit”? It’s actually insane that people HAVEN’T read “The Hobbit.” I thought everyone did that in ninth grade, get on that! Then, listen to “The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins” by Leonard Nimoy. Arguably more important than his time as Spock.
Cancer: Looking for a little adventure this week? You absolutely need to read “ANON PLS” by Deux Moi. Don’t write it off as a silly “The Devil Wears Prada” rip-off sort of thing at first. It’s so much deeper and crazier than it seems. The drama is deliciously twisted, perfect to spice up your evenings.
Leo: You should read the book “Educated” this week. It’s really good. Completely changed my life. Fair warning though, it will make you feel really bad about yourself that you’ve had so many more opportunities than her and are doing worse, AND it’ll make you want a Ph.D.
Virgo: Definitely read “All the Beauty in the World” this week. You’ve been a little emotionally stagnant and this one will get the tears flowing. It’ll also make you SO grateful to go to school so near to NYC. You’re gonna want to bring it with you to The Met!
Libra: Try reading “A Forbidden Rumspringa” this week. It may sound like just a cheesy Amish romance book, but it’s not. It’s basically the “Heated Rivalry” of Amish Romance books. I swear, it’s just what you need to destress this week. No more Foucault for you, it’s time for #amishangst.
Scorpio: Try reading “Boys in the Boat” this week. Those guys had to work together during the literal Great Depression and compete in the Olympics in a fascist country. Good thing that won’t happen again in 2028 … Anyway, if they can do that, you can get through this group project.
Sagittarius: You should read “More: A Memoir of Open Marriage” this week. To be clear, I have nothing against open marriages, none of my business. I do have something against all the evil people in that book. It’ll be helpful for you to know what not to do when opening your relationship.
Capricorn: Oh, you want a reading recommendation too? How about you try READING your READINGS for CLASS at the COLLEGE you ATTEND. How about that, asshat?
Aquarius: Nervous to go home for break and once again confront the awkward tension between you and your mom now that you’re growing and far away from her and you kind of feel like you don’t know each other anymore? Try reading “Just Like Mother” this week. It could be worse!
Pisces: You should read “The Sun Does Shine: How I Found Life, Freedom, and Justice” by Anthony Ray Hinton this week. No jokes, just a genuine recommendation. Can you get off my case? There’s only so many funny ways to recommend a book. I regret this theme. Anyway. Read that book.