I hate everything. Well, not everything, but most things. My hatred is broad and deep. Walking around campus this week, I’ve seen too many happy people. I thought it necessary to share seven things I hate so that everyone can stop being so positive all the time. That’s one for each day of your happy little week. It’s really getting on my nerves.
1. I hate people.
People are awful things. People are the reason why I got sick. People are the reason why only the weird bruised apples are left after lunch at the Deece. People are the reason why I have to talk in the morning and, frankly, at all during the day. People are the reason why I have to be scared to lift a toilet lid out of fear of what I may find.
2. I hate geese, but more specifically and less specifically, I hate wildlife.
I don’t need to slink around the gaggles of gross geese every time I leave my dorm, and I certainly don’t need to worry about being sprayed by one of the 372 skunks on campus. You know what? I’m counting people as a part of this category. I won’t repeat any grievances then; I hate repeating things. See above if you’re curious.
3. I hate goose poop.
I want to be living my best life as Tiny Tim, tiptoeing through the tulips, but alas, it’s not tulips, but goose poop instead.
4. I hate the hole in the stairs leading outside from Raymond’s north side.
I’m shocked this isn’t bigger news. In response to the gaping hole that opened up in the stairs, Facilities Operations has developed a brand new technology and innovation in the field of metalworking. Somehow, against all odds, they have discovered a way to weld a metal plate with nothing other than steam. This revolutionary breakthrough was confirmed in a work ticket status update, which clarified that not only had the carpentry work been completed (apparently with invisible metal), but the steam work for the metal plate welding was in progress. I guess it’s still in progress, but it only seems to be making the hole bigger. I fear they misunderstood the ticket’s request.
5. I hate the Express ice machine.
I like an iced drink. I don’t like a drinked ice.
6. I hate the little tiny pull-out desk things in the Sanders Classroom auditorium.
I’m tall. I know. However … This is absurd. If I can’t fit my pen on the desk, how do you expect it to fit my pen,test, calculator, blue book, drink, snack and weed that I save for a bathroom break? It’s really unacceptable. People couldn’t have been that much smaller back in the day.
7. I hate Raymond’s water.
I have a suspicion. I think the dryers and the pipes are connected. There is no other explanation for why there are pieces of grey fuzz in my water. “Refill, Reduce, Refresh” my ass. It’s like drinking out of a swimming pool filled with belly button lint. And that’s not even taking into account the lead. Though, I can’t complain too much. I’m starting to grow fond of the sweet taste.