Dear Leah: I am a straight woman and cannot find a good relationship at Vassar. The dating apps make me feel dehumanized and I really want to find someone in person. I want a serious relationship not a hookup, and all of the men here are either casual, gay, rude, or in a relationship already. I have been single for years and want to find love!
Signed,
Sleepless in Seattle
Dear Sleepless in Seattle,
You are certainly not alone in your situation, and I’ll admit that the Vassar dating pool certainly looks a whole lot different for straight women. I agree that the apps aren’t ideal. On such a small campus, more often than not, the apps leave you with nothing but awkward Deece eye contact. However, they are not without their perks. I have found that the platforms are a good way to size up the dating pool, even if you don’t take any action within the app. It’s able to tell you who’s single, who you find attractive or who might be interested in you. You can use your findings to inform a course of action, maybe even to approach them at a party. I certainly encourage you to get your flirt on.
My first instinct is to advise that you join more student organizations and seek out events. It’s the easiest way to find someone whose interests align with yours. And, even if you don’t find a relationship within those communities, you will still make new friends who can introduce you to other social circles. It’s less of a “put yourself out there,” and more of a “put yourself in as many spaces as possible.” The more people you meet, the more likely you are to find someone of interest. But, when you find someone, you must remember to be bold. If there is someone you are interested in, never shy away from asserting yourself. Even though I myself struggle with this, the change you seek requires action, and everyone is capable of it. Also, don’t dismiss your current social circles. Your friends likely know people you don’t and, more importantly, they know you. Make sure to let them know if you’re genuinely interested in someone. Not in a vague way, but directly. Your friends are able to make introductions and vouch for you in ways that make prospective new connections feel more natural and less forced than apps or cold approaches.
Whenever I find myself wishing that a relationship would come falling from the sky, I’m reminded of two, now graduated, Vassar students. They were both super involved on campus, but they had gone three years not knowing that the other person even existed. It wasn’t until their senior year that they finally met and began a relationship. A few years later, they’re still together. I’ve also spoken to alums who met their life partners here at Vassar through my work as a tour guide. The majority of them have similar stories; some of them had even been in classes together before becoming acquainted in a more genuine way.
It’s also worth acknowledging how exhausting it can feel to want a relationship for a long time and not find one. That feeling of being “ready” when your circumstances don’t match up can be extremely frustrating. Do not interpret that gap as a reflection of your worth or desirability. In reality, timing, environment and chance play a much larger role than we’d like to admit.
Within the Vassar bubble, we often allow ourselves to believe that Vassar is the entire world. Just think about the fact that you have so many months, summers, maybe even a semester abroad, to meet new people. Every semester, new faces emerge. Most importantly, remember that life is long. While you may want to be in a relationship right now, know that you have not yet met all of the people you will love throughout your life. You should never be in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship, it’s a waste of your time.
And, again, while it might feel like you are alone in your situation, remember that many people who eventually find deeply fulfilling relationships also went through long stretches where nothing seemed to work. Love is largely about trial and error. These periods are not wasted time. Rather, they are often when you develop the clarity and self-awareness that make a good relationship possible, even if you don’t realize it at the moment.
Best,
Leah