An unfortunate Vassar College student has discovered a catastrophic chemical, known as Chemical C (Chemical Catastrophus or Catastrophe if you’re not the International Union of Pure and Applied Chemistry), which, without fail (and in a strongly unethical manner), produces a reaction that ruins your lab. Frequently preceded by desperate pleading, and proceeded by angry swearing, the synthesis of Chemical C, which is completely unknown due to its tendency to make you forget synthesizing it always, is calculated to occur in 13 percent of all experiments, although it could occur in 41 percent—or even 83 percent of all ruined experiments.
Chemical C’s reaction, referred to as The Very Big and Bad Reaction in most of Vassar’s Lab Manuals, has several detrimental effects: Anyone who knowingly synthesizes the chemical will immediately forget about its synthesis, and any experiment they are performing in the vicinity, even if it has no way of possibly reacting with Chemical C, will fail. Whether by spontaneous combustion, a negative percent yield or the accidental synthesis of methamphetamine leading to the chemist’s immediate arrest (Chemical C can apparently notify police of one’s exact location), Chemical C hates being created and loves doling out sadistic punishment as revenge.
Chemical C can also be created unknowingly, in which case the consequences tend to be annoying, instead of ruinous. Students tend to wake up the next day with very itchy hands, or constantly have a song in their head they can’t remember the name of (they don’t dare sing it out of fear of being called a chronic Instagram reel scroller). However, the unintentional synthesis of Chemical C will still result in one’s lab failing, as well as the forgetting of the reagents one added.
In response, Dr. Jennifer Appawu, Lab Coordinator, has banned the synthesis of Chemical C or any compounds that could create it, saying, “We simply can’t tolerate the risk that an evil chemical continues to endanger student wellbeing. I am currently in the process of trying to communicate with Chemical C; however, it’s being really stubborn. Labs will be resumed when we can make the chemical knock it off. On the off chance it’s reading this, we have jobs too, you know. Do you see any of us blowing things up when we’re tired of working?”
As a result, every single chemistry experiment has been cancelled for the foreseeable future, URSI will no longer be occurring this summer, and students will have to actually pay attention in class instead of relying on labs to boost their grade.
The Biology Department is currently tackling a similar crisis, known as Enzyme E (the “E” stands for “Evil”). The two departments are working closely to end this problem, but as of publication, all efforts have ended in failure. It seems students will have to do without weekly four-hour labs that absorb all of their free time without giving anything in return. Oh well.
Also, someone burned down the Bridge Building. It was probably Chemical C.