Aries: I want you to know, nobody cares about your thesis as much as you do. Maybe you could talk about anything else. Asking people about their plans postgrad would go over better at this point.
Taurus: It’s time for you to stop telling people you’re “eepy.” You’ve been having trouble making friends? That’s why. It’s annoying. Move on.
Gemini: Did you enjoy New Orleans during break? Yeah, I know you went to New Orleans. Didn’t have to consult the stars. Everyone went to New Orleans. Or Montreal. Or Myrtle Beach. Or California. Whatever. I went to Idaho.
Cancer: This week, you’re going to have a major slip-up in a conversation. Like, you might accidentally say “principle” when referring to the head administrator of a public school. Embarrassing!
Leo: This is going to be a great week! Well, that is if you consider tripping and falling in the Deece eight times to be great. At least it’s not nine!
Virgo: Applying for jobs getting you down? I know just the thing to perk you up this week. Just put on a nice suit, print out a copy of your resume, go to the office you want to work in, ask to see the guy in charge, then throw yourself on the floor and scream PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!
Libra: This week, a bunch of spiders are going to get into your room. Not for anything weird, just business. They accidentally wrote your address for the annual spider business conference and it’s too late to change it. Sorry!
Scorpio: You’re going to have to venture into uncharted waters this week. That’s right. Your professor is going to make you take a swim test in Sunset Lake in a last ditch effort to stop AI use on class assignments. Sucks to be you.
Sagittarius: Someone might ask you to do a keg stand this week. Just kidding. I don’t know why I thought I could fool you. Nobody at Vassar would ever be able to figure out tapping a keg.
Capricorn: You should try to worry less about getting a summer internship. I can assure you that you’ll either get one or you won’t get one. That’s a 50 percent chance! That’s an F on a paper! Feel better?
Aquarius: This week, all your friends are going to try to convince you to do a group Founder’s Day costume. “Oh it’ll be so fun to dress up together,” they’ll say. Don’t fall for it. You’re not anybody’s clown.
Pisces: I’ll never understand beer drinkers, and I’ll never understand Pisces. There’s no point in even trying. I don’t care, I give up, they don’t pay me enough to care about Pisces.