[Disclaimer: This article is part of our April Fools’ Day issue.]
As first reported by The Miscellany News, NBA superstar and Los Angeles Lakers forward LeBron James has announced his commitment to continue his athletic and academic career at Vassar College, joining the Class of 2030 in a shocking move that has been verified by Vassar College and Vassar Athletics. James will be trading in his basketball shoes for golf spikes as he takes on a new challenge: the game of golf. James has only recently picked up the sport, but it has quickly evolved into an obsession of his. The 41-year-old four-time NBA champion told The Miscellany News in an exclusive interview that he will be retiring from the NBA after this season to become the first Vassar men’s golf athlete as the school is establishing a men’s golf team. Declaring for the NBA draft out of high school, James maintains his four years of NCAA eligibility. The move is surprising, but it is not altogether unbelievable.
James has spent more and more time on the course in recent years as he nears retirement, and he has let people know. James consistently posts pictures and videos of his swing and golf journey on Instagram. We interviewed one long-time Division III golf coach to find out how good James’ swing is. The coach said, “Look, for someone who’s 6 ft. 9 in. and 250 pounds, it’s promising. He generates a ton of torque, maybe too much torque. Right now, when he connects with the ball, he can hit it 350 yards down the fairway—now, he just needs to make sure it’s the fairway of the hole he’s playing, but that’s coachable. In basketball, the mid-range has never been James’ game, and that is true with his golf game as well. James needs to hone in his irons if he wants to compete in the D-III scene. The most exciting part about James as a prospect is the work ethic. We all know about the effort and intention James puts into his craft; it is the single biggest reason he has maintained a 20-plus-year NBA career, but golf is an entirely different animal: golf requires patience and finesse. In golf, James cannot play bully ball and drive to the cup every possession like he can in basketball. Finally, I worry about how he will adjust to the mental side of the game. You know, he’s no Jordan in that respect.” The interviewee preferred to stay anonymous, citing concerns about the “Klutch Sports Group Mafia.”
Vassar College Director of Athletics Michelle Walsh is excited about the move. Currently, Vassar has a women’s golf team but no men’s squad. James will be the first piece of the puzzle in what will be a legendary build out for Vassar Athletics. Walsh told The Miscellany News, “We are more than excited to welcome LeBron James to Poughkeepsie. There is no one better to build a Division III men’s golf program on than The Akron Hammer.” Women’s golf Head Coach Lisa Klenotiz echoed Walsh’s comments, telling The Miscellany News, “After a rocky couple seasons, we can’t wait to work with LeBron as we recruit the rest of the incoming class. He is sure to be an inspiration to all.” Klenotiz will be helping to recruit the remainder of James’ class;) however, she will be focusing solely on the women’s team in the long run. Vassar will be bringing in a new hire to lead the men’s golf team. A number of names have been rumored to sit down for an interview with Walsh. The names include Tiger Woods, J.R. Smith, Jonathan Hood PhD and James himself.
James is following in the footsteps of his former teammate J.R. Smith who walked on to North Carolina A&T’s golf team in 2021 following a lengthy NBA career of his own. Smith earned a perfect 4.0 grade-point average and was named the school’s Academic Athlete of the Year. James plans to major in business. Veering from their longtime stance of not offering business classes, the school has made an exception for James. Dean of Studies Thomas Porcello told The Miscellany News, “While the school has been confident in its decision to avoid offering business courses, we must adapt to the changing athletics and academics landscape. We are eager to trial our inaugural business course:) BS 102:) ‘Fundamentals of Business’ taught by the legendary Warren Buffett who will be guest teaching this course since retiring from his longtime role at Berkshire Hathaway. We are eager to take this new step.”
Instead of living in a quaint Raymond House double with another first-year student, James has made special arrangements for his housing. Working directly with the Assistant Dean of Student Living and Wellness, Dr. Rich Horowitz, Vassar will be building a private residence for James that is directly adjacent to the golf course. The planned estate will be 23,000 square feet and include a private putting green, golf simulator and a 10,000 bottle wine cellar, among many other extravagant features. There are rumors percolating that the house will cost north of 20 million dollars, and that in order to pay for the project, the College will have to reinstate paid laundry services as well as cancel Sushi Wednesdays. In replacement of Sushi Wednesday, the school will now offer “taco tuesday”. Dr. Horowitz declined to comment on the matter when The Miscellany News reached out. James appeared unconcerned with the rumors, remarking, “A king needs his castle.”
While everyone from coaches to administrators to fans are eager about James’ arrival, no one is more excited than the incoming Brewer himself. In an interview with James, he told The Miscellany News, “Joining Brewer Nation is a big step in my career. I’ve given the game of basketball everything I have, and it’s time for a new challenge. Poughkeepsie was the obvious choice for me to become the man Savannah thinks I am… haha! LeGolfer coming soon!”