Reports from the Registrar’s Office indicate that five students, Lana Eskape ’29, Quinn Leaven ’26, Brandon Lessgo ’28, Amelia Earhart ’27 and Anatascia Nikolaevna ’29, have “mysteriously disappeared” from the Registrar’s records overnight. They were last seen exiting a mysterious and cloudy portal through Main Gate.
On Feb. 16, 2026, these students’ status changed from “ACTIVE” to “MISSING FROM TIMELINE,” which, in addition to being terrifying, also means their disappearance is certainly going to decrease financial aid packages, possibly even retroactively. When asked by The Miscellany News how the Registrar was able to keep track of students so efficiently at all times, the on-duty Angela-Bot quickly mumbled something about “Deece waffles” before exploding into shrapnel.
Many people around campus have expressed displeasure with the current state of affairs. A group of student protestors from Raymond House, who call themselves “The Leavers,” maintain that Vassar College should cancel all classes one day a year and allow them to experience “a mere simulacrum” of what “The First Leavers” did. Meanwhile, residents of Davison House, alleging that “there’s no good reason to leave,” have formed a coalition called “The Stayers,” who relentlessly challenge “The Leavers,” insisting all classes should be held every day, “especially weekends.” The Stayers’ other activities include trying to stop climate change and talking about how great of a dorm Davi is, even when it isn’t brought up in conversation.
The President and the President’s Husband, Elizabeth Bradley and Mr. Elizabeth Bradley disappeared overnight, which has sent Vassar College into a state of chaos. Professors in every department have started claiming territories and declaring war against one another, each aiming to take over the Presidential Throne now that PB&J have vanished. The majors in each department have enacted a strange sort of feudalism, ruling as vassals for their favored professors and ordering estates while rousing the Undeclareds for war.
There exist a few safehouses to be found amongst the constant warfare. One of the most populated is Strong House, captained by Dr. Jillian Hoffmann, whose research into the newly discovered Hamburger cells—which are dedicated to imagining the exact image of the McDonald’s 1949 Hamburger—is one of the few things so important to Vassar’s Nouveau Regime that all of the Noble Departments have declared the lands of her realm a safe zone. She enjoys playing violin and writing poetry.
In a secret correspondence, discovered by two wayward members of the Vassar General Council on their way to important work fighting off the endless legal battles of the POTUS about WOKE, the President was found fumigating Her rage to Her Husband—Mr. Elizabeth Bradley—about the Incident.
“Fifty years in academia, and we missed it? I fear we have, as the children say, truly goofed up this time, my dear John,” wrote the President, referring to Mr. Elizabeth Bradley by his first name. “It’s time for us to leave, to go somewhere far away. Let us make preparations…”
Lana and Quinn were recently seen in the Raymond House basement, doing laundry.
“It’s much cheaper here than Over There, y’know,” said Lana.
“Although I like the Castle a lot more, they’ve got some good architecture Over There,” added Quinn.
“Do you two come back here often?” a reporter asked.
“Yes, every Thursday, because Amelia gets hungry and Anatascia loves getting new photos of the outside world to paint,” said Lana.
The duo described Over There as “basically Heaven; [one] always [has] enough food—Amelia just is a picky eater—the water in the oceans is potable, fresh water, there are these amazing animals, and [one] can fly.” According to them, the only issues are that the laundry service is very expensive, and there’s no WiFi.
“We pop back in every now and then to call our parents, scroll on Instagram and wash our clothes. Everything else is pretty chill, though,” said Quinn, with Lana nodding.
Shortly after this, the duo disappeared. No one seemed to see them leaving.
At the time of publication, the Vassar situation is still deteriorating. We at The Miscellany News hope that a student will come who claims the throne of the Missing President, because if not, everything seems quite dire: A new, unruly faction, the “Lessgoes,” have started awkwardly congregating on Joss Beach every night, hoping to summon Brandon’s physical body back from Over There—while also completely disrespecting the Courtesy set up by the other Departments and Houses. The leader of this faction, Alexandra Rinlando ’26 claims that she “desires his Strength, his Power, and his Clash Royale card deck” in her 2026 manifesto Lessgo Alexandra! She is currently ruling over Lathrop and The-Weird-Olmstead-Part-Of-The-Bridge with an iron fist.
Karoline Leavitt, Press Secretary of the United States, has taken to Twitter directly lambasting Vassar’s “cartoonish feudalism” and “high concentration of WOKE.” We just think she’s salty she couldn’t come.This is Evan Seker, Columnist for TheMiscellany News, signing off. I’m in Strong House; you should come over, we have Panettone!