Aries: I think maybe you should stop looking to me or the stars or whatever for advice and just do your thing mama. Nobody can tell you what to do. Except for you. Pretty sure Eleanor Roosevelt said that.
Taurus: Did you see that thing on Fizz where someone told someone else Taco Bell was open but it was actually closed? Someone is going to betray you even worse than that this week. Don’t trust anyone. You can’t even trust this horoscope.
Gemini: I know you think people just don’t understand you. It’s so true. You’re completely nonsensical. Everything you say is outrageous. Everyone is looking at you. EVERYONE IS LOOKING AT YOU. WHY ARE YOU ACTING SO WEIRD?
Cancer: Worried about your final papers? Yeah, okay buddy. I can’t wait to see how you’ll fare during pinal fapers week. Get real.
Leo: Your week is going to be sort of like Fridays at the Deece before Easter. Full of fish and chowder. #Lent
Virgo: Virgos are in for much excitement this week. Keep your eyes peeled for big opportunities. Especially ones where you get to be your own boss. It just requires a small initial investment! You can recruit a downchain of more boss babes! It’s sort of a…triangle business model!
Libra: When was the last time you climbed a tree? Or played in the mud?? Enjoy spring like a child this week! Splash in puddles, scrape your knees, run a lemonade stand. Grow up. Keep the lemonade stand going. Use the lemonade stand as a front for the robot fight club you run out of your basement.
Scorpio: I’m too tired to write about Scorpios. Wait, I’ve got it. I’m just going to flip a coin. Heads, you sound smart in classes this week and your professors thank you for your discussion contributions. Tails, you get carried far away by a giant eagle. Ok, one sec… Tails. Sorry man :(
Sagittarius: Every single song you hear this week is going to be sort of Iggy Pop-esque. I know this might be shocking but you’d be surprised how many songs are sort of Iggy Pop-esque. Going to be a huge Iggy Pop week for you.
Capricorn: I know last week was stressful. This week won’t be any better. On Thursday, you’re going to be trying to enjoy your Hudson Valley Fresh chocolate milk, and a horde of high school seniors are going to invade the Deece and sit uncomfortably close to you.
Aquarius: This is going to be an absolutely awesome week for you. You are going to convince yourself that it’s not a big deal to DoorDash Taco Bell with your friend at night and that you can spare the money and that it’s fine to pay a delivery fee for a bean and rice burrito. Yay!!!
Pisces: Someone might try to get you to take a gummy with them this week. Don’t do it man. It’s not worth it. Wait until the weekend at least. I’ve heard people say that it makes it really hard to type.