Dear Leah,
There is a department head that is evil. They genuinely want me to perish. Massive campaigns to have me leave and be severed from the department were STOPPED when I declared a degree in the department. Until… they signed their name as my advisor. How to escape this surveillance state? This person is my d1 opponent, genuinely has attempted to get me fired from two different positions twice (I am NOT a fireable candidate and as such I have persisted), and I think will not stop until my severed head is presented to them to eat. I’m looking for combat tips, academically and intellectually.
Sincerely,
Dablookey
Dablookey,
Did you do something to this department head? This hatred seems a little extreme, especially because I assume you are a 20-something, and this department head is likely a full-grown adult with a mortgage or whatever. If you think back on your time in the department, and you can’t find a time when you did something really horrible to this professor, then maybe the campaigns against you are simply misplaced. Do you have a twin in the department? A doppelgänger even? Someone who looks vaguely like you who just so happened to really get under this department head’s skin? There are certainly ways to negate this perceived hatred, but I encourage you to think back on all your interactions prior to these massive campaigns and see if there was any point where you really wronged this professor.
Have you considered schmoozing with this department head? There’s nothing wrong with a cheeky little compliment. Like, “Wow, I love what you’ve done with this office; I think you missed your calling as an interior designer,” or, “Did you get new glasses? Those look like new glasses!” A baked good can go a long way, too. If you want to keep it classic and demure, cookies are the obvious choice. Brownies are also timeless and easy to spice up. If you want to shake it up a little, maybe make some blondies. If it really gets dire, you might just have to make a cake. Those are just the most basic options; there is a baked good to make for every situation, depending on how badly you messed up. If you can’t bake, maybe just bring in a small token of your appreciation. Grabbing a coffee from the Brew before your meeting? Grab your advisor a little pastry or something. Try to make sure that this doesn’t border too much on creepy, though. If you remember from last week’s column, Vassar College isn’t big on fraternizing between students and professors. You’ll have to be extra careful to make sure that it doesn’t seem like you’re coming on to them. We really don’t need an enemies-to-lovers situation on our hands as the year comes to a close.
As far as academic and intellectual combat tips go, it seems like you’re on the right track. You have maintained your status within the department despite these smear campaigns against you. To escape the surveillance state, I would recommend that you find a new advisor. Especially because, as your senior year approaches, you’ll only be spending more time with your advisor (especially if you’re writing a thesis), but this is really only an option to explore if a variety of baked goods don’t work in your favor. If you’re in favor of manipulation, which I won’t entirely condone, maybe make a sob story for yourself. Have the department head sympathize with you. Don’t go full dead grandparent because that feels a little extreme. You don’t want to garner too much sympathy. Maybe you could have a dead goldfish or something on that level. This requires making up a whole lot of backstory though, so I also suggest that you start becoming even better than you already are at whatever position it is you hold in the department. As in, go above and beyond what’s expected. Make yourself entirely indispensable. If these campaigns against you begin again, everyone else who knows you and that fantastic work ethic of yours will ask this department head what gives. Anyways, it sounds like you’re already in a really good position. Stand your ground, and don’t let this full-grown adult who’s doing taxes and paying a mortgage get you down. You still have a beautiful, youthful energy about you, Dablookey. Never let them dim your spark.
Best,
Leah